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Journalism of Courage
A young contestant’s nonchalant attitude, precociousness, talk-backs and over-confidence on Kaun Banega Crorepati, undaunted by Amitabh Bachchan’s presence, has sparked a huge online debate on parenting and whether we are mollycoddling a generation into demanding the right of way, unfiltered by responsible behavioural patterns.
“Whether it was spontaneous or orchestrated for reality TV, one doesn’t know but the fact that such assertiveness is projected as a spectacle and looked upon as an extraordinary feat is where we as parents, and a society, are turning our children meme-worthy than preparing them for adulthood. We forget that we have over-pampered the child into believing that this is allowed, what is being called the six-pocket syndrome,” says Dr Rajiv Mehta, professor and senior consultant psychiatrist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, New Delhi.
He has seen many cases of pre-teens, usually under 12, display overconfidence about their right of way and literally throw a hissy fit because they didn’t get a phone or device that they had demanded of their parents. “This one-way reward-demanding behaviour is because parents have raised them, meeting all their expectations, even legitimising them. So when they can’t meet taller expectations, the child, unused to such a denial, is in a crisis. They become physically violent and convulsive, which is when parents bring them to me. This is called dissociative convulsive disorder, which arises from psychological or emotional reasons,” he adds.
What is the six-pocket syndrome?
This term originated in China when its one-child policy meant that every child had six adults — two parents and four grandparents — lavishing them with attention, care and all that their resources could buy for him. They are the six pockets, pouring their all into one life. In India, it is much the same, especially with working parents and overseeing grandparents.
Parents have less time, which gives them a guilt complex, and feel they should not let their children shed a single tear from their eyes. They have money, which means they meet everything that the child demands, without laying the ground rules of what they can and cannot have. Failure and denial are unknown concepts to kids. The adamance that we are so quick to condemn in a child is because as parents we have granted them the right to demand and be rewarded simultaneously. From a responsibility-based society, we are raising a right-based society.
Even when some parents draw the line, the ecosystem of the great Indian family, including grandparents, doesn’t and lavishes the child with compensatory attention. So the child learns to play one against the other to get what they want without respecting boundaries. Worse, every elder takes pride in the precociousness of the child and their somewhat adult assertiveness is often thought to be cute. With such validation, the child thinks they are little princes and princesses and the whole world will listen to them. Most parents even call them that.
Yet when these children become teens, we expect social etiquette from them. By then it is too late to reverse their irreverent behaviour.
What are the long-term consequences of the six-pocket syndrome?
This overpampering actually inhibits the child’s ability to deal with the outside world. Parents not only invest resources but organise the child’s life too, sending them to all kinds of extra-curricular classes, deciding their peer group and their exposure. They don’t allow their children’s brain to work or adapt to situations. This way we inhibit their skill-building and resilience.
So when they suddenly encounter the harsh realities of the world and find themselves incompetent to handle them, they crash. Because they are used to being rewarded, they turn back on their parents and families as well, blaming them for not preparing them for adulthood.
Post-puberty, these children are often unable to make social connections. Given their latent anger, some become bullies and take to drugs. They are incapable of sharing and have trouble building relationships. I have seen many such teens become physically abusive in their relationships with their partners in their adult years.
What can be a corrective model of parenting?
I usually begin with counselling parents first before the child. The reward has to be linked to a task to be completed. So a child thinks they have achieved and earned a prize rather than feeling entitled or born to supreme privilege.
Build responsible behaviour patterns by entrusting household responsibilities to a child, like cleaning their rooms, folding their clothes, putting plates back in the kitchen rack and so on. Share activities and include them with a group so that they know how to interact with people different from their protected sphere. Empowering your child shouldn’t become indulgence.
