Journalism of Courage
There are so many things about being a woman that I now understand and value. Initially,it was all about me and my ambivalent feelings towards my sex. But now I seem to understand what womanhood means. Shaving my face doesnt make me less of a woman. My experience of womanhood is different from who have been so all their lives.
Love,life and family come naturally to most of us. I had to fight for acceptance as someone who didnt want to be a man. I was born in a middle-class Maharashtrian family and my father worked with the state Police. After I finished college,my parents came to know about my conflicted feelings towards my manhood. They shunned me,not realising that this conflict was as as old as I was. Even as a little boy,I used to be shy and most of my friends were girls. I used to wear androgynous clothes like kurta and pyjamas and tried to get on with my life. My name then was Ganesh.
Unable to digest my conflict,I finally decided to have a sex-change operation. It was a long process that began with therapy and counselling. For two years,I was put on hormone injections to make my body feminine. Words cannot describe the changes I went through after the operation,as the smallest of realities like walking,sitting and behaving like a woman slowly began seeping into my personality. I now had a female figure and breasts and needed to get used to them. I tried to memorise feminine behavioural details by observing others to perfect my own. Then there were societal pressures. People looked at me differently,especially the men. This,then,was the male gaze. It made me feel like an object. I still have issues dealing with the anger that gets provoked in me with these responses.
Otherwise,I have come a long way. I do feel like a woman now and live with the man I love,one who has stood by me for the last 14 years. We have adopted a baby daughter. My domestic and motherly duties fulfill me,they help me live out my womanhood with emotional intensity.
My work with numerous organisations has helped me put things into perspective as I now fight for others with similar dilemmas. Becoming a woman even though it has been through reconstructive surgery has completed me in more ways than one. The only thing I miss is standing against a wall to piddle.
As told to Prajakta Hebbar
