Opinion India’s Ideal Citizen in 2047 will be male, of course, and will help fulfil the destiny of this Glorious Nation

Because — let’s face it — all of the nation’s problems stem from the presence of females. They clog up the thoughts of all decent, god-fearing humans – by which, of course, we mean Men — with their mysterious, jiggling bodies. They cause inadequate dowries to be paid, by being born into impoverished families. By refusing to pay adequate dowries to the families of innocent bridegrooms, these impoverished females cause themselves to be murdered, bringing shame and international criticism upon the Nation.

Another vile quality of females is their ability to use their voices as weapons. It is easy to understand why they use words rather than, say, knives or brute strength. It’s because they are smaller and weaker, on average, than Men. So instead of fighting fairly — that is, with fists — they stand around shrieking at Men in their sharp, piercing voices. They harass us with lawsuits and divorce. And they march in the streets parading their vicious ideas about protecting the Earth which they cruelly stigmatise with the title of “Mother”. They oppose all forms of progress. Whenever Men want to do something to burnish the Nation’s image — such as by building giant dams, mining tribal lands or erecting towering statues — out they come, jiggling and wiggling, squawking about “environmental damage” and “climate change” and other godless nonsense.

There is absolutely no question of removing females by violent means. No, no, we are always and forever the most non-violent culture that the world has ever seen. Our methods of elimination will be completely natural and organic. First, by insisting that all births can only be of males. This is easily achieved by combining yogic breathing with ultrasound imaging. Whenever a female foetus is noticed on the ultrasound screen, the technician’s breath will automatically stop. This will lead to spontaneous and/or chemically assisted miscarriage.

Second, all existing females will, gently and with no coercion whatsoever, be convinced to stop eating and thereby “lose weight”. Millions of young women are already fully engaged in this form of self-removal. They refer to this practice as “dieting”, which already includes the word “die” in it, in order to remind everyone that it’s really about mortality. The most advanced form of weight reduction results in Total Body Loss. Crude and ignorant people will insist on referring to this as “death” but of course, we know that in the case of females, it means transference to a higher plane of existence. Whenever a female succeeds in this form of self-elimination, a statue will be erected to her. Eventually, every home will have a room filled with such statues. It will be a glorious sight to see. Perhaps even a tourist attraction.

Third, instead of employing the old, outdated methods of reproduction, the Government will provide all households with gleaming, fully-automated Cloning Units. All able-bodied Men will be expected to perform the sacred and patriotic rituals by which an endless tide of sons will be created. We know that the technology for this existed in the past, because our Sacred Histories mention the multiple births of a hundred sons from a single egg. If it happened once, it can be made to happen again. It is only a matter of faith. And we certainly have an unlimited supply of that!

While we can never for an instant doubt that our Nation has been great since it came into existence at the same time as the Universe was created, we must acknowledge that blemishes have developed now and then. All such blemishes have been the result of Invaders (see *note above). Fortunately, We have always been able to eliminate Invaders.

We have used one of three methods. (1) If they are very annoying and bring us useful technology in the form of railways and modern medicine, we wait until we have learnt to use their legal machinery and then we kick them out. (2) If they have occupied our Great Nation for so long that it’s almost impossible to tell Us and Them apart, we force Them to assimilate until some of Their celebrities are performing our own religious rituals for us! Yaay! (3) We only record those items in our news media and history books that suit our version of the truth. This is actually the most effective system of all.

Frankly, by the time the Nation celebrates its 100th Anniversary, Method 3 will have been used so thoroughly that this article will itself have disappeared. We will no longer be celebrating a 100th Anniversary, because we will have declared ourselves as the Eternal Republic of India, having existed forever in the past and forever into the future. There will no longer be any history of wars, defeats, riots or negativity of any kind. All citizens will be identical and perfect in every respect. We will all be calm, pink-skinned, bearded and wealthy. Forever and ever! Ahhhhmen.

The writer is an author, playwright and cartoonist. This article is part of an ongoing series, which began on August 15, by women who have made a mark, across sectors