Opinion How to raise a boy: What grandparenting boys taught me about love, patience and play

However, as the babies became toddlers, I realised that there were differences. Firstly, the physicality. Boys can be physical in every way. They move non-stop, they grab, chew, pinch, punch – the whole lot. Even the non-sporty games they enjoy may involve the body. Ah! The body. “Doctor” and “operation” are a favourite and I wonder if it is because these involve some amount of skin exposure on the part of the “patient” – me. Somehow, I often “die” on the operating table. But the physicality actually extends beyond games to hitting out in anger. It is almost a first response. Flinging, breaking, biting — destruction to get a rise out of you. As a parent, my response was to smack back, knowing that this was a bad idea and burning with guilt afterwards. I’d promise not to repeat this. Until I did. As a grandmother, I simply don’t. Of course, I lose patience with the endless negotiation. Talking them out of it does not work. Don’t raise your hand or voice. Try hugging it out. They struggle, they may try to hurt you, even. A time-out for a brief two minutes will take them off the boil, and then just sit with them. Talk to them about something else. Then veer back to the subject of the tantrum. No long lectures, just a mutual understanding of each other’s point of view. Not easy. But it leaves grandma with a feeling of “job well done”. Rather than the overriding guilt.

I also see that boys, many boys, are actually cuddlers. They love to cuddle up to you, be touchy-feely. But it has to be on their terms. You cannot grab a boy when you need that hug. They’re gone. But let them come to you. And you will get the sweetest hugs and kisses ever.

Grandparent hugs have magical healing powers.

Out of sheer exhaustion, I try to have some indoor, sit-down activity. They enjoy the colouring for a bit, and then they are DONE. Yes, all caps done. It is like they have been released into the world from months of solitary confinement. They burst out into wider spaces, arms waving wildly, voices loud as foghorns. I read about this. It is a thing, and it is called Restraint Release or ASRC, which stands for After School Restraint Release Collapse. Boys who have been trying to remain within the structured environment of a school are set free as the final bell rings. They rush out, fling themselves at the parent/caregiver with a force that you have to brace for. In the car, you may find them fussy about every tiny, insignificant thing. The world may come crashing down, and all is lost in a Noah’s Ark-sized flood of tears. You wonder what’s happened. You try to reason. Don’t. It doesn’t work. Those jangling nerves literally need a reset. The brain is firing out of control. They are beyond reason for the moment. Stroking the head and back of the neck actually helps. As a grandparent, you can be the very safest space. And it feels bloody good to be that.

And as soon as the storm is over and the runny nose wiped, they are just so utterly, butterly delicious. Because boys are mostly so clean-hearted and straight-forward. They have a strong sense of fair play that we as grandparents and parents must nurture and cherish. How strange that all too often, we ourselves tend to turn our boys into entitled, unempathetic non-listeners. Because we put just so much emphasis on achievement and success – especially on boys, that they lose pieces of their softer, kinder selves. If they lose this, then they will never become the man you would want and need them to be.

Anand is a Sahitya Akademi award-winning author and former editor of the National Centre for Children’s Literature, NBT, India