Opinion From tragedy to endurance, love to care — the gifts and lessons from my father

Modest. Humble. Grounded. Selfless. Loving. Caring. Giving. We did not realise how powerful he was at the helm of bureaucracy during the most trying times. He is K M Chandrasekhar, former Union Cabinet Secretary and author of As Good as My Word: A Memoir. My father has also been the only steadfast anchor in my turbulent life.

I had a happy childhood with wonderful, easygoing parents, unlike my peers. My sister and I had an incredible bond; we were only a year and a half apart and everyone called us “peas in a pod”. Through numerous government transfers, we hardly felt upset as our parents ensured that we were always taken care of.

Growing up, we didn’t realise how important our father was! After all, he was just our father. And a great one at that. He spent his off hours talking to us, joking and playing with us. He took us on holiday during our school break. We were a middle-class family without frills but we never felt deprived of anything. Years later, a colleague asked me where my father was working and I said very casually that he was the Ambassador to WTO (World Trade Organisation). He was so startled that I hadn’t mentioned it before. He quipped, “Do you realise how big a position that is?”. Honestly, we were never made to feel that way. Therein lies my father’s greatness. I am not kidding when I say that I learnt about his professional achievements only after reading his book.

My world turned upside down in 1996 when I faced heartbreak for the first time. It was unlike anything anyone had experienced and I almost slid into depression. It disrupted the peace and happiness in our lives. As I was grappling with this, my sister was by my side. My father was my source of support and solace. He completely put himself out for me.

October 6, 1997. I spoke over the phone to my sister at night. She was a journalist and on deputation in Jammu. I was doing my PG in Mass Communication in Delhi and interning in space marketing with a leading media house. Before hanging up, I told her that I would tell her everything when she returned.

That wasn’t to be…

October 7, 1997. As I was walking to college after my internship, my sister’s friend came up to me and said that I had to go home as my sister had met with an accident in Jammu. Incidentally, her friend has stood by me throughout my life. I stared blankly at her and asked, “Is she dead?” That was a defining moment in my life. I realised that everything was ephemeral.

My whole life changed overnight. My sister was no longer with us. This was when my father stepped up once again for me. Putting his own grief aside, he stretched out his protective arms and has never ever left me since. My father has been my anchor through life while others came and went. He was at the peak of his career then, but always there for me. He still is.

I got married and my younger daughter was diagnosed with autism. It was really hard to come to terms with it as those days there wasn’t much awareness. I marched on confidently as my father was my pillar of strength during diagnosis, my phase of denial and ultimately acceptance, and had a solution-oriented approach. In retrospect, I feel proud of all that we have achieved together. My daughter turns 16 in November and is the most amazing child anyone could ask for.

I went through huge emotional and financial lows and my father has always been there for me. Many so-called friends walked away when I was at my lowest. Today, I look back and see how much he prioritised me at every stage and made me what I am. I have been working for the past 25 years and bringing up my two daughters in a happy, positive and cheerful environment. The other day, my elder daughter came up to me and said, “Mama, you are such a rock. I love you.”

I smiled and said, “It’s the genes.”

The writer is the Business Development Head of an Ireland-based edtech company and lives in Bengaluru.