‘I would collapse, cry for hours’: Vijay Varma reveals battling acute depression, says Ira Khan, Gulshan Devaiah saved him

‘My father fascinated me… until he didn’t’

“When I was a little boy, I was fascinated by my father,” Vijay recalled. “He would go off on business tours and return with goodies. He had a very dynamic personality — flamboyant, short-tempered, unpredictable. That kept me both surprised and shocked,” he said.

But the admiration faded in his teenage years. “My love for my father took a beating when I became a teenager. He loved me, but he wanted so many things from me that I didn’t want — my career, my friends, even how I spent my time. Everything about me seemed to bother him,” he said. Vijay eventually gravitated toward his mother, who became the emotional anchor in his life.

‘I didn’t enjoy my father’s company’

Vijay explained that his father expected him to join the family business. “Actually, I could have enjoyed the business — but I didn’t enjoy my father’s company. His temper grew exponentially as I entered my teens. The more I resisted, the angrier he became,” he said.

Determined to carve his own path, Vijay began doing odd jobs — something his father despised. “He believed only servants did jobs. ‘Naukar naukri karte hain, hum business karte hain,’ he would say.”

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Theatre eventually became his escape, and when reviews of his plays began appearing in newspapers, he proudly showed them to his family — but his father remained unimpressed. Things became real only when he secured admission to FTII.

Too afraid to confront his father, Vijay planned to leave home secretly during one of his father’s trips. But seeing his mother and sister cry changed his mind. “I called him and lied that I got a scholarship and it’s a one-year course. He said something nasty and warned, ‘You better leave before I return.’ So I packed my bags and left. I didn’t want havoc,” he said.

A decade of struggle before Gully Boy

Despite completing his course, work didn’t come easy. “I struggled for nearly a decade. Nothing worked until Gully Boy came out of nowhere and changed my life,” he said. Success followed with web shows Mirzapur and Dahaad, but the 2020 lockdown halted everything, pushing him into a dark place.

‘I couldn’t move off the couch for four days’

“I was all alone in an apartment in Mumbai. I had a small terrace — that sky saved me. The pause made me realise how lonely I had become while constantly chasing work,” he said.

During this time, he often spoke on Zoom with Ira Khan and actor Gulshan Devaiah, who had all become close while Ira assisted on Dahaad. But Ira began noticing troubling signs. “I kept deteriorating. Ira was the first to say, ‘Vijay, you need to start moving.’ She made me join Zoom workouts. She was like my coach,” he revealed.

Eventually, he admitted he couldn’t function and began therapy. “I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. My therapist even suggested medication. I told her, ‘Let me try managing for now,’” he said.

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‘I would collapse during yoga and just cry’

Years of unspoken emotions had begun surfacing. “I have never spoken openly about many things that I hadn’t processed. Therapy and yoga brought everything up. During Surya Namaskar, I would collapse and cry for hours without knowing why,” he shared.

He believes much of it stemmed from unresolved guilt. He said, “I carried guilt about leaving home. I still do. I left my family and struggled alone for a decade with no achievement. Today things make sense — but back then, they didn’t.”

‘Ira told me therapy isn’t bad’

“I’m glad Ira stepped in at the right time,” he said. “She told me therapy isn’t bad. Coming from a dysfunctional family, if you don’t sort things out, it leaves a lasting mark. You think you’ve forgotten childhood hurt, but the subconscious remembers,” he said.

Vijay also spoke about how childhood wounds affect adult relationships. “It shows up in your love life. You keep repeating patterns unless you talk about them.” When Rhea asked him to label the statement “Love is supposed to hurt a little, otherwise it’s not real as toxic or deep.” He immediately called it ‘Toxic’. “Because it comes from attachment styles — especially avoidant attachment. I am one. When you have seen close relationships fail you as a child, love starts to feel like fear. So you push people away,” he said.

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