February 11, 2017 2:54:29 pm
Dear President Trump,
Can’t spell? Hate reading? Outsource it to India, and we can make sense of it all for you. If you don’t want to read this whole damn letter, here it is in about 140 characters:
You love Hindu. We are Hindu (also). You can’t spell? We can walk, talk, laugh English. Let India write & spell for you. It’s what BFFs do.
Let’s take this very slowly. You love Hindu, we are Hindu (at least a lot of us)! You can’t spell, we love to spell…Indian kids have been winning the Spelling Bee, even in the US. It’s just something we are good at. The papers say you may be dyslexic. Did you know that dyslexia is inversely proportional to intelligence? So, the worse you spell, the more intelligent you could be. Trust the press to have a problem with that!
You know who else was bad at spelling? Ernest Hemingway, Jane Austen and even, Agatha Christie (she said so herself!). And they all wrote books, just like you. People are talking about spell-check…who has the time for it, we say! The idea is to communicate. We’re living in 2017. How many people do you think even know the difference between lose and loose? Perhaps, by the time you’re done as leader of the free world, you would have liberated words from rules. We will all just spell it like we say it. Honor can be “honer” and unprecedented can joyfully be “unpresidented”.
But, till that happens, we say you let us do the dirty work. We’ll do more than that…we’ll take your tweets and turn them into long-winded government missives. We’ll take those hefty documents and turn them into neat tweet-worthy bullet points. It helps to have a BFF who can spell; as one of our jingles go, “har ek friend zaroori hota hai”!
You think our Prime Minister is nice. We may not always agree (in fact, some say he is a lot like you!), but as a country, we’re all very nice. And we have the best words! Some of them are among your favourites—terrible, ridiculous, border, disaster. We love that you say it like it is.
As for your vocabulary being at the level of a fourth-grader, critics forget that you “love the poorly educated”. And they love you! Such snobs, I tell you, these critics!
If you discover that we’re not all really Hindu, an RSS ideologue recently informed us that since we all live in Hindustan, even the Muslims are Hindu. And since all Indians, Hindu and otherwise, don’t like letting go of an opportunity, we will go with this very limited definition of who we are. The Americans complain that you’ve turned their world, and maybe the whole world, topsy-turvy, but as you can see, we’ve been living this way forever. Bad spellings? Some of our leaders can’t even read or write! Do we judge them? Not at all, we just keep electing them over and over again.
You believe in putting America first? We’ve done that for generations. You know, some of us speak in American accents, without ever having been there! Try to beat that.
We hear you’re not fond of email, but feel free to call us or tweet to us…we’re ready and waiting. We have your back!
(The writer is an editorial consultant and co-founder of The Goodwill Project. She tweets @anuvee) Views expressed are personal.