After the censor board slashed 50% of the kissing scenes and some swearwords in the latest franchise of Bond, ‘Spectre,’ Twitteratis went ballistic and started trolling ‘#SanskariJamesBond.’ Keeping the spirit intact, Nimish Dubey has come up with a hilarious list of seven gadgets that a ‘sanskari’ James Bond should possess.
The thread that binds: Mistake this not for the run of the mill sacred thread (yagyopaveet) that adorns the proud Hindu upper caste chest. It might just be reduced to looking hot on the bosom of our James but once off it, its interwoven steel threads make it perfect to be used for climbing, for tying up hapless enemies (branding them with sacred symbols in the process) or if it comes to the squeeze, as a garrotte – those strangled by it head straight to heaven (even sinners deserve a chance)
— Patakha Chikna (@Madan_Chikna) November 18, 2015
The boom bhajan: It might sound like a routine ring tone when played at a normal volume but all Sanskari Bond has to do is tap the volume button on his phone (like all Sanskari apps, it is platform independant) twice, and the ringtone gets into uber Bhajan mode, shattering the eardrums of all those in immediate vicinity (Bond himself is safe because his ears have been trained at the Sanskari School of Sound to bear sounds of very high pitches – he focuses on the divine words being uttered and not on their volume!)
James Bond’s women must be feeling so safe now that our Censor Board is there to protect their izzat & aabroo from that creep. — Shirish Kunder (@ShirishKunder) November 18, 2015
Clothe ’em and calm down kaajal: The original Bond might wear glasses that sees through clothes (especially those of the ladies), but the Sanskari edition just uses this special kaajal (kohl) that not only makes James see those who are partially (or totally un-) dressed up in all their suited and booted glory, but also works as a relaxing agent, ensuring he focuses on calmsutra rather than Kamasutra. It also makes him look like a raccoon, keeping the distracting vishkanyas (honey traps) away.
Intense incense: He might seem a little insensitive at times but our Sanskari James is definitely not incense-itive. Not when he carries with him special incense sticks. These are not your run of the mill agarbattis, but can emit tear gas when lit at the “wrong” end, explode when thrown at the enemy, and might seem to work as perfectly normal incense sticks when lit right but actually send out smoke signals that activate the secret Kabootar squad (pigeon army) telling them of Bond’s exact location.
James bond is so sanskari he drinks “gau-mutra” instead of alcohol. #SanskariJamesBond
— Harsh Makwana (@Harsh_Mkw) November 18, 2015
Shudh desi lassi: When the Sanskari edition of James Bond says “shaken, not stirred” he is not referring to the polluting Martini but the pure Indian lassi. He carries some around in a thermos, which also doubles up as a handy weapon. The lassi within is made with special ingredients including lots of cream and baadam, so when he is asked for his last wish after he is captured (well, he always gets caught a few times before getting his man or woman), he just asks for a sip of his lassi. Shaken, not stirred. This imbues him with super powers which enables him to break his bonds (pun intended) and save the day.
Censor Board will only pass the James Bond movie uncut, if it is directed by Sooraj Barjatya.
— Nitin Sinha (@NsNitinsinha) November 18, 2015
Mata ki chaadar: Forget about invisibility cloaks. Our Sanskari James relies on a gold embroidered Mata ki chaadar which surrounds him with the power of prayer as well as Kevlar! It not only stops bullets but also chants hymns while doing so, making the enemy realise that they are messing with the Lord’s servant. It is also designed to act as a parachute when a quick descent from heights is the need of the hour. And that gold embroidery can actually be unwound and formed into a single golden bullet. We are still working on how to get him a gun that can fire it, so right now it is only powered by prayer.
— Trendulkar (@Trendulkar) November 18, 2015
The lota of the lord: Don’t think this is just for Bond’s ablutions. No, this comes with a hidden transmitter which allows Bond to send messages without getting spotted. All he needs to say when he needs to call the Ashram (that’s the Sanskari Secret Service headquarters) is to say that Nature is calling and potter off with the Lota. We doubt anyone would like to follow him in these circumstances. And yes, it is totally waterproof so can be used for carrying water as well. It can also be folded out into the form of a sheet that can be used as a makeshift bulletproof vest. Small wonder so many agents are going potty over this multitasker.
*Opinions expressed are strictly personal. The story is in no way an attempt to denigrate, malign or belittle any class, caste, community or religion.