‘Shilpa is like this holy cow’: Shamita Shetty recalls lifelong comparisons; experts explain how sibling rivalry affects mental health

Shamita admitted that she was the more notorious one and had gotten used to the comparison, accepting that it was very normal. “In comparison, Shilpa is like this holy cow, compared to me. I’m like the brat, you know. 

It was after entering the film industry that the comparisons got harsh. “… people expect you to be the same. Whether it is your performance, or the quality of human being you are … if you’re different from the one that is already out there and accepted, then it kind of gets very difficult… those comparisons get to you sometimes.”

Taking a cue from Shamita’s heartfelt confession, we reached out to Dr Divya Shree K R, Consultant – Psychiatry, Aster CMI Hospital, Bangalore, to understand how such comparisons affect a person.

How can being compared to siblings affect a person’s mental health?

Dr Shree explains that being compared to siblings can hurt a person’s mental health by lowering self-esteem and creating feelings of jealousy or inadequacy. “When parents or others constantly point out differences, one child may feel they are not good enough or loved less. This can lead to anxiety, stress, and even resentment between siblings,” she notes. Over time, the person might start doubting their abilities, struggle with confidence, or develop a constant need for approval or fear of failure. The psychiatrist recommends positive encouragement and understanding of individuality to help reduce these effects. “It’s important for families to focus on each child’s strengths instead of comparing them, so every child feels valued and emotionally secure.”

How does the effect of this comparison vary in childhood and adulthood?

Dr Shree points out that the effect of sibling comparison changes with age. In childhood, being compared can deeply affect self-esteem because children are still forming their identity. They may feel unloved, less capable, or jealous, which can cause anger or withdrawal. “In adulthood, people may still carry these feelings and compare themselves to others, especially their siblings. This can lead to competition, insecurity, or strained family relationships.” However, Dr Shree tells indianexpress.com that some adults learn to understand that everyone has different strengths and paths, which helps reduce the impact. “Supportive relationships and self-awareness in adulthood can heal old emotional wounds.” She further stresses that early positive communication and acceptance from parents can prevent long-term harm and build healthier sibling bonds.

How can someone stop this comparison from “getting to them”?

“To stop sibling comparison from affecting them, a person should focus on their own strengths and progress instead of trying to compete. Accepting that everyone has a different path helps reduce pressure and jealousy,” says Dr Shree. She recommends talking openly with parents or family about how comparisons make them feel to ease the burden. One can build self-confidence through hobbies, learning, or work achievements, which helps shift focus toward personal growth. It’s also helpful to spend time with supportive friends who value you for who you are. Practising gratitude and self-compassion also reduces negative thoughts. “Remembering that self-worth doesn’t depend on others’ opinions allows a person to stay emotionally strong and peaceful despite comparisons,” the medical expert concludes.