How to start a conversation on LGBTQI issues at home? Keshav Suri has answers

Gender is one of the most underrated issues in Indian society. It is ignored, ridiculed, and forced behind curtains with the “sex talk”. But, as parents, we have a responsibility. Not just of shaping the next generation, but also deciding whether we want a healthier society. Children pick up things quite easily. They learn from what they see and hear. Gender is generally never discussed, but assumed in households. This is where a change is required. Parents need to create an environment for kids, where communication is open.

There are assumptions and stereotypes about gender we unconsciously pass on to our kids. For instance, boys are always encouraged to go out and play, while girls are assumed to prefer playing house and dress up. Constantly, pushing kids to follow paths can lead to unhealthy growth patterns. Children are malleable and can be moulded in whatever form parents see fit. But, the ideal scenario calls for kids to figure out their own path. Children should be told they have options, and should feel supported as they figure it out.

The definition of ‘normal’ in terms of gender needs to be redefined in front of children. If they believe it is okay to be who they choose to be, then the acceptance becomes easier.

Generally, in schools, you will find boys who act in ways considered feminine are picked on by bullies. This in turn makes them doubt their choices. Here is where family support becomes crucial. I was one of those kids.

Other children laughed at me and ridiculed my choices. I was generally offered feminine roles in school plays. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. But, I didn’t let it change me. I was lucky to have parents who understood, though I still waited till my late teens to come out in front of them. The entire process of self-realisation, acceptance, and coming out is a life-changing experience. Going through it alone can have catastrophic effects.

Realisation isn’t the tricky part, acceptance is. For a smooth process, a conducive environment at home can go a long way. An open channel of communication will help the child feel comfortable to question and express his thoughts. Talk to your child regularly about gender issues. It all starts by explaining ‘he’ and ‘she’ aren’t the only genders. Educate them about the existence of the LGBTQI community. Above all, teach them to respect and rights of all humans irrespective of gender.

It is important to note, depression and suicidal tendencies are pretty common during the realisation and acceptance phase. A lot even subdue their true nature to lead an unsatisfied and unhappy life that is considered ‘normal’ as per society. If you want to avoid this path of loneliness for your child, then you need to become a pillar of strength for the kid. Don’t shy away from seeking expert guidance. While it is difficult to find psychiatrists who specialise in the field, it is imperative to ask for help. Parents need to understand that they are floating in unchartered waters as much as the child. Even, though they might want to offer 100 per cent support, it is impossible to understand what is exactly going on inside the child’s mind. Mental wellbeing is always put on a backburner in our country. But, it is the most crucial element to help kids trying to find their place in the pyramid, called gender.

Above all else, the fundamental principle involves freedom. Let your child discover and carve out a path without overburdening them with ideas and notions. Be a guiding force and not a deciding one.

(The writer is an LGBTQI activist and executive director of The Lalit Suri Hospitality Group.)