The possibility of divorce between the United Kingdom and Scotland has led to all kinds of questions about the division of assets. While Alex Salmond and Alistair Darling, the leaders of the opposing sides, trade barbs over dreary matters like the future of the pound and nuclear weapons, Scots might be losing sight of what’s really at stake. For instance, what happens to Queen Elizabeth and the monarchy? Will she have to be sworn in as the Queen of Scots? The royal family owns several estates in Scotland, either directly or through the crown estates. So even if she’s not head of state, she’ll still be the landlady.
And then, Scotland may want to keep the queen, but will they also want the rest of her family, including Prince Charles, the kilt-wearing, organic-farming heir apparent? For that matter, will Charles continue to wear kilts in England, or will that be seen as too big a slight? And what happens to the English’s beloved tartan prints? George Osborne, chancellor of the exchequer, has petulantly threatened to cut off access to Scotland’s favourite beverage — not its world-renowned Scotch, as one might be forgiven for thinking, but a potent concoction called Buckfast Tonic Wine, which is high on alcohol, caffeine and other tantalising chemicals, and low on price. And have the secessionists considered that England might convey its depression by refusing to telecast Doctor Who, like any vindictive spouse exercising their right to deprive their erstwhile partner of their record collection?
Mostly, though, while the English mournfully swirl their soon-to-be-unpatriotic single malts at night, wondering why Scotland doesn’t want to try a spot of relationship counselling on Jeremy Kyle, the rest of the world is diverted by the prospect of a new Eurovision contestant — bagpipes and all.