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The screening process

Their screening process is vigorous and painstaking,much like the CBI questioning an industrialist.

Written by Dilip Bobb |
October 20, 2013 4:16:14 am

Having taken the plunge,the Aam Aadmi Party is ensuring no dirty khadi is washed in public and is standing by its commitment to ensure that only candidates with an unimpeachable record stand for the elections in Delhi. Their screening process is vigorous and painstaking,much like the CBI questioning an industrialist. Here is how an interview,conducted by Arvind Kejriwal,goes:

Kejriwal: Have you committed a crime,cheated in exams,got a speeding ticket,taken or given a bribe,fallen foul of the CBI,ragged anyone in college,jumped the queue,had an FIR filed against you or have assets disproportionate to your income?

Candidate: I press the NOTA button. My integrity is that of a saint,I’m a very holy man…

Kejriwal: That qualification has been deleted from our application form thanks to Asaram. Our symbol is the broom,which is why this interview is being held in the broom closet. As they say,a new broom sweeps clean… We don’t want any last-minute withdrawals like in Shahdara where the candidate turned out to be crooked. So please be straight.

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Candidate: Well,I did bunk some classes in college. Is that cause for disqualification?

Kejriwal: We have to be absolutely certain that our candidates have nothing in their past which is remotely shady. If you admit to bunking classes,there may be questions asked about how you managed to get a degree? Bunking classes shows lack of commitment,leaving a seat unattended,wasting a scholarship,showing disrespect. We are starting our own schools — which will be the most transparent in India,so they will be held outdoors,but bunk is history,as someone famous said.

Candidate: It was ‘History is Bunk’,but I merely did it to see movies…

Kejriwal: Ah ha! Were they pornographic movies? Did they have sex scenes or excessive violence,or people smoking?

Candidate: Actually,it was Mother India,Son of India,Mr India,Indiana Jones and the Temple…

Kejriwal: How about sex?

Candidate: Male,it’s there in my application.

Kejriwal: I meant your sexual record,have you had clandestine affairs,flirted with any other party,been secretly filmed in a compromising position,photocopied the Kama Sutra,taken part in the Gay Pride parade?

Candidate: I am happily married.

Kejriwal: Has your wife filed a dowry case?

Candidate: She is also happily married,I mean,she married happily.

Kejriwal: Good. We don’t want any divorced candidates. It does not speak highly of their character. What about gold,do you have any hoarded?

Candidate: No,it has become too expensive.

Kejriwal: You better be sure,the ASI is digging up hidden gold these days. What about food habits? Do you eat lots of onions?

Candidate: Why is that important?

Kejriwal: The price of onions is so high that only the rich and the corrupt can afford it,or the chief minister… How about power?

Candidate: I believe power without responsibility is…

Kejriwal: I meant do you pay your electricity bills?

Candidate: I am a law-abiding citizen.

Kejriwal: That means you are paying an inflated amount and contributing to the illegal fraud by the discoms in collaboration with the chief minister. Stop paying electricity bills.

Candidate: If you say so,but if they cut off the power,my wife will divorce me,my parents will disown me,the kids will move out. Police will file an FIR.

Kejriwal: Sorry,we can’t take a chance. Our candidates have to be squeaky clean. We can’t have candidates who are divorced or have an FIR registered against them. Send in the next candidate please.

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