6 min readMay 25, 2023 09:43 PM IST
First published on: May 25, 2023 at 07:07 AM IST
In a heartening piece of news for our country, women have topped the UPSC civil services exam again this year: Of the total of 933 successful candidates, 320 are women. That this is the highest percentage of women candidates selected in any year calls for celebration, but one must not forget that it is far less than the proportion of women in the population.
As a society, we have been encouraging women to be educated, financially secure and independent. We want them to be the equals of men at work. However, we have failed stunningly in preparing ourselves for such women. There is hardly any talk of an equal ecosystem at home. It is true that some physical load of jobs traditionally done by women has been outsourced in some households — there is someone to cook the food, clean the house and wash the clothes. Yet the mental load remains — what is to be made for breakfast, flour and sugar need to be bought, the child needs to be vaccinated and so on. It is routine for me to get a call in the midst of an important meeting with words and be told, “Madam, ghar mein aloo khatam hai.” Few gentlemen officers would have had such an experience.
I don’t blame the person who makes this call. For him, the kitchen is his workplace and cooking nutritious meals his job. So, he will seek supervision on issues that are important in his view. However, one would be lying if one said that managing the kitchen, taking responsibility for the child, and work are not overwhelming. And one does hope these responsibilities can be shared more equitably as we go ahead.
It is true that many men who seek strong independent women as partners do not accept their strength or independence in taking personal decisions. It is extremely confusing as a woman to live this dichotomous life, where at work you are a leader and as soon as you enter the home, you are expected not to disturb the delicate balance of the household. Here, the man is the leader and is to be followed meekly. Elder women in the family will state how their time was different and women supported their men and kept quiet at home. However, it is asinine to expect one to have a voice and not to use it.
So, my dearest civil servants entering the service, both ladies and gentlemen, here are a few points to consider.
Softness is power. You do not have to be man-like in order to be accepted in your profession. You just have to be good at your job and humble enough to seek knowledge when things are unclear. The staff that we lead comes with a wealth of experience. You will gain greatly by being soft and firm. Wear your softness like a medal, especially women who have a natural tendency for calmness and kindness. You don’t have to abuse to fit in.
A quote went viral some time ago which can be summed up as: Women are supposed to work like they don’t have children and be mothers like they don’t work outside the home. It is true that work is worship; it is also true that the only people who remember you did overtime are your children. I owe everything I am to my profession and I wouldn’t even dream of cutting corners at my job. At the same time, I love my child more than anything I have ever loved or will love. There is a fine balance and striving to achieve it is everything. So be clear in seeking support from your partner and family in raising your child. Dedicate a few hours every week for activities to be done with your child. A happy home makes you a better employee.
Maternity leave is not a paid vacation and it does not make you unfit to rejoin the workforce. From the time women started working in large numbers, their possible future pregnancy has made them less preferable for any job. Even women feel guilty when they have to inform the boss of their pregnancy. Let me point out that the total fertility rate for the country is 2.0 (this includes both urban and rural populations). So a working woman is most likely to have a maximum of two pregnancies in her entire career. I think our systems and institutions are robust enough to tolerate a short absence for such a landmark event in their employees’ lives. And if one believes that a pregnancy can disrupt one’s career then so can a study leave, a deputation to an unrelated department or even an accident. The anxiety about pregnancy is an outdated idea that must be done away with. Rather, women must be supported and allowed to flourish in this critical juncture of their life. It is not only the birth of a baby but also the rebirth of a woman. So it is said everybody wants to hold the baby but we must ensure that we also hold the mother.
One does hope that with a record number of women joining the civil services, we will be able to lead the country better with our “soft power”, discard outdated ideas, have an overall equal environment at home too, and make pregnancy and childbirth a more celebratory and less stressful event.
The writer is an IPS officer
One does hope that with a record number of women joining the civil services, we will be able to lead the country better with our ‘soft power’, discard outdated ideas, have an overall equal environment at home too, and make pregnancy and childbirth a more celebratory and less stressful event. 
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