I want to bring to your attention the current nonsensical travel policy of our government.
Our great scientific genius,Shri Jairam Rameshji,after consulting various hysterical NGOs rather than scientists,has come to the conclusion that Bt Brinjal should be banned both in India and Bharat. He has also ensured with his usual brilliance that all other GM-Bt food crops will not be grown in our great country. He missed out on Bt Cotton,which our farmers have enthusiastically adopted. Our cotton production has gone up tremendously in recent years. But that is not relevant now.
The fact of the matter is that evil,sinister,nonsensical countries like the US,China,Korea and Brazil have widely adopted GM-Bt food crops,some of them for decades. It seems to be completely unacceptable that after Shri Jairam Rameshjis brilliant and regressive decision,we continue to allow our ministers,members of Parliament and civil servants to travel to the US,China,Korea and Brazil. This is positively dangerous and our governments travel policy must be immediately torn up and thrown out. Imagine what can happen if our mantrijis,Sansad members and numerous secretaries,additional secretaries,joint secretaries and deputy secretaries visit these countries where they will inevitably consume poisonous GM-Bt foods. We must put a stop to this pernicious practice,if for no other reason than that we are duty-bound to protect the health of our netas and babus. This is a solemn promise that our party has made,and has kept since the days of my great-grandfather. We cannot betray our tryst with destiny.
I therefore suggest that effective immediately,you impose a complete ban on travel by all our ministers,MPs and civil servants to these four countries. I also suggest that you immediately order the closure of our embassies in these countries. This will have an additional positive outcome. They will not be able to eavesdrop into the solemn conversations of our ambassadors,consuls and vice consuls. In the interests of practicality,I propose the following exceptions to our new travel policy:
One,the prime minister will be exempt. Clearly,you,respected pradhan mantriji,should be able to make trips to the US to tell President Obama about the nuclear power plants that we will not be able to buy from the US,to make pointless speeches at the UN and to have even more pointless non-meetings with Shri Nawaz Sharifji. You also need to go to Korea to reassure the Korean president that within the next 50 years,in all probability,Posco may be able to start a steel plant in India. You need to be able to visit China to see how a country manages to mine coal,produce power,start factories all things that we neither can do,nor want to do. Above all,you must visit Brazil,just in order to be able to see a country that has managed to ruin its growth prospects even more comprehensively than we have.
Two,the president of the Congress party should be exempted. There is no reason for me to give any explanation on this count. Three,opposition MPs,state chief ministers,state ministers,etc.
There is an extremely clever,Chanakyan reason for the third exception,which was suggested to me by no less a person than Shri Jairam Rameshji,who has brilliantly rejected the commitment to rationality and the scientific temper so dear to my great-grandfather. Shri Jairam Rameshji has pointed out to me that if the opposition netas visit these countries and eat GM-Bt foods,they would be subject to slow food poisoning. Just think of the prospect that,in a few years,there will be no opposition netas left. Is it not mouth-watering? Is Shri Jairam Rameshji not a genius?
Of course,you,Shri pradhan mantriji,and the Congress president should travel in special chartered Air India planes (is that not why we keep pumping money into Air India?) and the crew must make sure that sufficient non-GM non-Bt baingans and other delicious foods,from both Bharat and India,are made available to you and the Congress president so that the deleterious effect of dangerous foreign poisoning is not something that the two of you have to contend with. The poor opposition saps will unknowingly fall into this trap. Incidentally,if any of our party ministers or MPs or any of our babus complain and express a wish to travel to these countries,I am sure you will point out to them that their arguments are nonsensical.
Postscript: It has come to my attention that Bangladesh has decided to plant Bt Brinjal. This means that BT Brinjal seeds will get smuggled across the border,despite all the heroic attempts of our great Border Security Force,and farmers in our country will start planting Bt Brinjal and enjoying higher incomes. This is completely unacceptable to the NGO sector. And as you are doubtless aware,NGOs know everything there is to know about the science of genetics. Jairam Rameshji has personally assured me on this matter. Merely banning visits by our mantris and sachivs to Bangladesh will not suffice. Our mantris and sachivs do not want to visit Bangladesh anyway. You might want to go back to the history books and look at what my poojya dadi did. You should seriously consider funding a Bt Brinjal Mukti Bahini,which should focus on freeing our neighbouring country from Bt Brinjal. After all,if we could free them from tikka and Niazi,what is a mere vegetable,even a genetically engineered one? Some of my entourage have suggested that if Mamata di and Derek OBrien were to eat Bt Brinjal and fall ill,that might be good for us. Perish the thought!
The writer is a Mumbai-based entrepreneur
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