Opinion Jaya Bachchan is right and wrong about marriage: Men, you need to do better
The burden of patriarchy might make it tougher for men to speak about their mental health, and we empathise, but the consistent trauma dumping within the confines of the hearth is not something we had bargained for
We understand that you, too, are reeling under the burden of patriarchy. But you need to realise that strength lies in the grey matter, not in the gym. Extend your hand, and you will find our grip. I wish we could borrow the salutation from Vikram Seth’s eponymous title of “A Suitable Boy,” but exhausted as we are of juggling the infamous “mental loads,” we hope it will be “men” who hear us. We write this, not as a rant, but as a ballad of the times we inhabit.
Last week, a veteran film actor talked about marriage being an outdated institution. A few months ago, we lost the powerful force Jane Goodall, and social media was abuzz with the quote attributed to her, “It actually doesn’t take much to be considered a difficult woman. That’s why there are so many of us.” This, coupled with some statistics, makes it difficult to paint an optimistic story – different estimates peg the projected number of single and childless women at nearly 50 per cent by 2035.
Thus, we, “difficult women,” must speak up to prevent this term from becoming yet another tag that scares, shakes and stirs men.
The world over, including in our country, women are enthusiastically looking to join the labour force, but not opting for marriage. Is it the lack of men, statistically not; but the lack of suitable men, arguably a lot.
Most of us do not mind the greys and the creases, on you or on us. What really sets us running (away) is the greys in your thoughts, and the lack of greys (matter) in the mind; the creases in the communication that make us feel like uninvited guests in your circle of validation. We do not crave validation for ourselves, nor do we create validation for those around.
Divided by geographies, it surprises us as to how united we are in being implicitly expected to assume the roles of therapists for men. Life tests us all, and the troughs of life leave imprints on us, but of the multiple identities we have built, that of a victim is not one. While we do not expect our partners to don the hats of therapists helping us navigate the trauma, why are we expected to also be counsellors and therapists? We have chosen our professions carefully; do not thrust another one upon us.
We are all too cognisant of women being termed “unstable” and “mad” just because they tried sharing their unresolved emotions with their partner. The burden of patriarchy might make it tougher for men to speak about their mental health, and we empathise, but the consistent trauma dumping within the confines of the hearth is not something we had bargained for. And to be labelled “difficult” for this is a bit too unfair.
The infamous biological clock – privately, the one that makes us compromise; publicly, the one that makes us unsuitable. For all the social functions we have to perform, childbearing has received a disproportionate share of the spotlight. Let’s shift the focus to child rearing, and we will collectively agree that children deserve a home built on mutual respect and shared values, and for that, we all have the task set out for us, across genders. Women are not “difficult” if they choose to step away from childbearing or if they choose single parenthood; rather, our social structures are stifling when they tie a woman’s worth as a wife based on her reproductive choices and circumstances.
The adage of “women are becoming the men they wanted to marry” greets us ever so often. This may be an overstatement, for in a patriarchal world, being the “man in the room” and the “man who provides” might sound aspirational to many. But not to us. We never wanted a “man,” but a partner. Necessity does dictate choices, but we have learnt to be comfortable in our solitude. For a life of solitude might be tough, but a bad marriage is equally tough, and navigating these choices is a Sisyphean task.
Finally, let us not count the number of times we have been termed “difficult” because our expectations from a potential partner seem daunting to men, disgusting to society, and dismal to fellow women.
We understand that you, too, are reeling under the burden of patriarchy. But you need to realise that strength lies in the grey matter, not in the gym. Extend your hand, and you will find our grip. Surprise us, not with flowers, but with fortitude – because we are right there, at the horizon of the good and the difficult, guarding the frontiers of the life we have built, not waiting, but hoping to share a smile and a home one day. Just because we have built it alone, does not mean we do not have space for you. We may be malleable but not mouldable; we may bend, but not break, not because we have to prove that women can win, but because we know what we stand for in life. We, too, have built a life which many may call incomplete, but we call it “different.”
We sign off, with the hope that one day we will meet each other at the same level of depth, it does not matter whether our heights, colours, paychecks, qualifications and ages match or not. We know, not all men, but we hope our letter is understood by many men.
The writer is an officer of the Indian Revenue Service (Income Tax). The views expressed are personal
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