Updated: December 14, 2014 1:53:26 am
The Nobel Prize Committee is getting increasingly political, as witnessed by their decision to award the 2014 Peace Prize jointly to an Indian and a Pakistani. In fact politics has led to so many deserving candidates emerging from emerging economies like India that it is time we instituted an Indian Noble Prize to be awarded in a range of categories. Here are the nominees and categories.
Science and technology: BJP MP Ramesh Pokhriyal for his theory that the Hindu sage Kanad had, many centuries ago, conducted a nuclear test. It means that Robert Oppenheimer and Homi Bhabha are removed from the history books and the latter’s family has to return his Padma Bhushan. Pokhriyal also declared that the sciences have been dwarfed by our ancient astrologers and that astrology is the No. 1 science for the entire world. Adding to the dwarfed analogy, he added, “Science is a pygmy compared to astrology.” Maybe he can be considered for a Nobel in anthropology as well.
Literature: External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj for her demand that the Gita be made the national book. Her logic: Since Prime Minister Narendra Modi gifted the Bhagawad Gita to US President Barack Obama, it has already received the honour of a national scripture. By that reasoning, if Modi were to gift some other leader jalebis, would that then become the national sweet? It would play havoc with everyone’s constitution. In fact, to suggest that a religious scripture become the national book is to display contempt for the Indian Constitution.
Education: Dinanath Batra for producing textbooks in Gujarat schools which are compulsory reading. He seems, of course, to suffer from compulsive obsessive disorder — obsessed as he is with denying foreigners any credit for achievements and attributing them to Indians. His textbook says that the motor car was invented during the Vedic period, as the Anashva Rath, which would make Henry Ford, Herr Daimler and Herr Benz take a back seat. Batra also teaches that television was invented during the Mahabharata period. His logic is that in the Mahabharata, Sanjaya, sitting inside a palace in Hastinapur, used his divya shakti to apparently provide a live telecast of the battle to blind king Dhritarashtra. Clearly a case of the blind leading the blind.
Medicine: Narendra Modi, for first educating us that plastic surgery and stem cell therapy existed and were in use thousands of years ago in ancient India. He pointed out that Ganesha’s elephant head became attached to a human body. “We worship Lord Ganesha. There must have been some plastic surgeon at that time who got an elephant’s head on the body of a human being and began the practice of plastic surgery.” He also told us that in ancient India, stem cell therapy was around as well, explaining how a warrior god, Karna, was born outside his mother’s womb. “This means that genetic science was present at that time.” Modi actually said this to an audience of doctors while inaugurating a hospital.
Evolutionary science: Sadhvi Niranjan Jyoti, Minister of State for Food Processing Industries, for declaring that everyone including Muslims and Christians are sons of Ram. Anybody left out of that evolutionary equation are born illegitimately. This will take a long time to process, as will the fact that Darwinism is dead, as is the theory of natural selection.
The alternative Nobel: BJP minister from Madhya Pradesh, Kailash Vijayvargiya, who was heartily congratulated by his party colleagues for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. It was actually another Kailash, but his colleagues were unperturbed. Ignorance is indeed bliss.
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