Conspiracy of theories

Individuals and issues that are making and faking news

Written by Dilip Bobb | Published: May 19, 2013 12:37:16 am

Individuals and issues that are making and faking news

Indian politics tends to defy all existing political theories and philosophies. There are coalitions within coalitions,fronts within fronts,dual power centres,interchangeable ideologies,and a Parliament which remains unoccupied most of the time. It’s all,according to the BJP,a conspiracy designed to keep the UPA in power. But the truth is that India exists to upturn all accepted theories. Take a look at these:

Theory of Relativity: Einstein would be devastated but Indian politics has consistently proved that relatives should occupy the same space and time as they do. Other social scientists have termed it the theory of profitability and recent events concerning the Railway Ministry have shown that the engine of growth lies in direct proportion to the number of relatives involved in related businesses. Even the business of the House,as this paper revealed,is to employ family members as assistants,salary paid by the government. Ironically,it proves Einstein’s two-theory concept regarding special relativity and general relativity,in other words,generally inside Parliament and for special cases,outside as well.

Collusion Theory: The original concept explained how collisions cause reactions and why reaction rates differ. The collusion theory is pretty similar,collusions between player and playmaker invite certain reactions—like rotating a wristband or placement of a towel—and depending on who is doing what to whom and by how much,rates differ for individual players. The collusion theory also can be confused with the collision theory,when there are extras involved,as in providing female escort services,a.k.a match fixing. The resulting confusion over collusion or collision has meant that the phrase ‘clean bowled’ is no longer valid since every ball is now under scrutiny.

Newton’s Third Law: This law states that when one body exerts a force on a second body,the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction to that of the first body. Which aptly describes the relationship between the UPA and opposition BJP in the recent past. Both are equally to blame. Having been hauled over the coals,the government has tried to put the blame on the main opposition for the lack of proceedings,but the BJP is proceeding mainly on its crusade of no pay no work meaning either you pay for your misdeeds or Parliament doesn’t work. Since the misdeeds keep piling up,so do the missing parliamentarians and loss to the exchequer. And,since nobody is in the House,no one gets a bill. Literally.

The Theory of Flight: The feathers have been flying in ornithology circles as they try and figure out the latest theories to do with birds and certain legal interpretations. The first of these was to do with caged parrots and whether they can be allowed to be set free by their current captors or continue to parrot what their masters say. Our collective intelligence was further challenged when another body,actually a Cat,referred to another agency as a chicken,and asked whether chickens can fly. That literally set the cat among the pigeons and we are waiting,with baited beak,to see what new breed and branch of ornithology emerges in the coming weeks as claws get sharpened for the electoral battle ahead.

The Big Bang Theory: The original

was to do with a gigantic explosion leading to the birth of the universe. Now that the IPL (Indian Political League) is gearing up for an epic final,the similarities are quite obvious. Prime ministerial

contender Narendra Modi appears in virtual space and form,threatening to smash the ball out of the park and replay the Big Bang. His supposed contender is still busy throwing googlies at a beehive while the current occupant seems to be on a permanent Strategic Time Out. That has left the paying public in a sort of black hole,not sure what their options are,or will be. The Big Bang could well end up as a whimper.

For all the latest Opinion News, download Indian Express App

More From Dilip Bobb