Closing an FD shouldn’t be this hard. But my bank disagrees

Which is why, whenever I try to prematurely close an FD — which is every few weeks, I admit, but hey it’s my money — the bank decides to give me a short lesson in finance.

This, it does on its state-of-the-art app, a flashy bright thing that promises change and progress, but in reality sucks the lifeblood out of hapless customers like me. But, ahem, it doesn’t know who it’s messing with.

And so it begins.

The option to “Close FD” shows up in a dull grey, which means it’s not the default option. Instead, “Lock FD” is boldly highlighted in red and is the default option. So, if my finger accidentally taps the screen a little harder than usual, it will lock the FD, the exact opposite of what I want to do. But I’m careful… ish. Once, I did tap that option, but managed to log out super quick before any real damage could happen.

Now, once past that trap — the app watches in horror as I actually tap on the “Close FD” button — it throws up a prettier page with icons of stacked cash and a clock ticking away that informs me of“good news”. Apparently, they’ll give me a loan at an interest rate 2 per cent higher than the FD interest rate — why ever do I need to break the FD?

I had to go back to the app to get the actual wording for the paragraph above, and guess what? It kept throwing me out, god promise. It kept on sniggering, “You have been logged out successfully” every time I tried to log in.

I ignore the red “Avail now” button and close down the pop-up.

I am taken to a deceptively innocent-looking page that has two simple options — “partial closure” or “full closure”.

Silly me. No matter what option I choose, the game is only now really beginning.

Now I’m on a page that again tells me the folly of closing the FD down. It shows me the interest loss, alongside an icon of a smashed piggy bank that takes up a quarter of the page to drive the point home.

One last step — or so you thought

I bravely soldier on, knowing I’m being watched and judged. “Just one last step,” a pop-up consoles.

Apparently they need to understand the reason I need to access my own money.

I’m giving a bunch of reasons to tick off, ranging from “I am in need of funds” — makes me feel broke — to “I have other investment options” — makes me feel angry, as I don’t.

I pound on the almost-invisible “Skip” option at the bottom of the page and am asked to enter my PIN. Usually, this is the final step and most banks give up and hand over your money to you.

Not this sly fox.

Unless you press the “Verify PIN” option at the fag end of the page, it won’t work. But hey, maybe it’s my fault? Spoiled by other crooks in the market who only need you to tap, tap, tap to transfer your money across the universe, I’m somewhat unnecessarily taken aback that this one insists on verification before it moves its arse.

A few dizzying moments pass while a flashing circle rotates and rotates, and finally you are informed: “Done! You have successfully closed your FD”.

But not without a seven-step process that needs you to be hyper-vigilant lest you press the wrong buttons and lose your money down some rabbit hole.

Unsurprisingly, the same app swallows your money in one big gulp when you decide to open an FD.

In fact, now, when you tap on the “FD” button to check out your paltry savings, it takes you straight to the “Start a New FD” page. If you decide to go ahead, you just need to add the amount and the duration and then tap “Book FD”, which, of course, is the only option on the page. And, done! You are informed — in full caps no less — that “YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY OPENED YOUR FD”. All of this from one freaking page.

At the end of the day, you can run, run and run, but there’s nowhere to hide.

Sulaiman is a Bengaluru-based writer and teacher