3D TsuNaMo
And elsewhere, all smiles, the Congress will still take no questions.
If the prime minister appears to the public by means of holograms, television anchors must hustle to catch up. Arnab Goswami had tantalised audiences watching India’s biggest political drama ever by promising to teleport holographic reporters into the studio on counting day, but Headlines Today stole a march on him 24-hours earlier. Holographic reporters can’t chase the story very physically because apparently, they’re jammed in some kind of multi-camera photo booth out in the wild. So actually, neither channel could use the gimmick much on counting day, when the verdict was delivered almost at lightspeed. When was the last time an election was called by 9:30 am?
NDTV was the quickest off the blocks, reporting trends way ahead of the technologically advantaged Times Now. Quite a coup, considering that just weeks ago, Delhi’s crueller wits were jeering that the channel was so desperate for access to the BJP that it was prepared to interview Modi’s hologram. Amidst all the chit-chat, Goswami did not notice NDTV’s lead for some time. When he did, he promised trends faster than the competition, with newsmaker interviews faster still. Not so fast, though: NDTV got to LK Advani first, telecasting a statement that was bound to become controversial since he gave no credit to Modi. But then, Goswami picked up the controversy and ran with it. He also had a surprise break when Tarun Gogoi replied to a rhetorical question in the affirmative: yes, he would resign as Chief Minister of Assam. Goswami immediately developed it into a public demand for Rahul Gandhi’s head, for losing in ways that we could never imagine: “The satraps are resigning, taking responsibility. Only the leaders in Delhi aren’t.”
But the Gogoi interview ended strangely. His mike was suddenly muted and Goswami scolded: “That can’t be all, that can’t be all…” But as Goswami turned away to the taxing project of individually scolding all the Congress spokespeople, one by one, the outgoing chief minister got a patient hearing from Rajdeep Sardesai, who was told that the BJP won in Assam because Modi had harped on a Bangladeshi influx, that he had said that Kaziranga’s rhinos were being killed off to make room for Bangladeshi immigrants. Oddly enough, just moments earlier, a channel had shown a smiling Modi cradling a little wooden rhino, as smooth and shiny as a Gujarat highway. Pure coincidence, of course.
While all channels showed a silent and listless AICC headquarters, Sudarshan News spoke to the only noisemakers there: desperate workers demanding revival. “The Congress used to be an ocean but has become a pond,” they complained. Their solution, alas: “Priyanka lao.” The alternative to dogged family values is a split in the grand old party excluding the first family, as Neerja Chowdhury warned.
Family lao is easier said than done. Sonia and Rahul Gandhi had scheduled a press conference at 12:30 pm, which degraded into a 90-second statement four hours later, in which they took responsibility for the debacle while trying to look cheerful. For hours, studios held their breath as they took ad breaks, for fear that they might miss it. Bet they even suspended loo breaks. Can we expect an outbreak of kidney stones across the Delhi media?
Before the event, Goswami had demanded to know if Rahul Gandhi would “take a series of questions, and if not, why not?” Which, of course, was yet another question. After Rahulji was shooed off by his mother before a single question could be asked, Goswami looked like he had been sandbagged. Naturally. He is India’s chief inquisitor. For him, not being able to ask questions must feel a bit like being choked to death.
pratik.kanjilal@expressindia.com
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