The Yellow Diaries
I8217;M putting together a self-help volume entitled 52 Weekend Cures For Jaundice. And if you8217;re thinking there couldn8217;t possibl...
I’M putting together a self-help volume entitled 52 Weekend Cures For Jaundice. And if you’re thinking there couldn’t possibly be 52 kooky ways to beat the yellow, then you haven’t met my friends and family.
Three weeks ago, my husband Andre was diagnosed with Hepatitis E the Big E. Once jaundice was confirmed, the unsolicited advice began pouring in. It started with the mother-in-law: ‘‘First thing in the morning, make him chew on sugarcane.’’ Our friend Asif took it further, ‘‘gunna chabate jaana, chabate jaana, aur pura peela gunna mein nikal jaayega,’’ he promised keep chewing the sugarcane, it will drain the yellow out.
Then a mala arrived dry herbs strung with red and yellow threads from my father-in-law, accompanied by the advice, ‘wear it around your neck; it will grow longer, and pull the jaundice out of you.’ My husband, who can’t even bear to don his wedding ring, wore it on his wrist for about 28 seconds. Then, laughing at his desperation to get better, he took it off.
Many suggested a famous healer near Lonavla station. ‘‘Go before sunrise, he will put two drops of medicine in his nose, and cure him in two days.’’
Then my friend Jehan was hospitalised with the big E. A dasturji priest came to his bedside, prayed, and then waved knives over Jehan’s head to exorcise the jaundice demon, no doubt. Unfortunately my husband isn’t a Parsi, so we couldn’t avail of the knife ritual.
Our neighbourhood doctor’s advice was simple: Liver tonic, lots of rest, no meat, alcohol, spices or oil, and a review in 10 days. Unfortunately on the appointed 11th day, his clinic was closed—the good doctor had become a victim himself.
My cousin Kerman—a dedicated carnivore—was devastated by the prescribed boiled vegetables diet. Later, when his wife also fell ill with the disease, they consulted Dr Zarir Udwadia, who believed the boiled diet was old-school. Dr Udwadia said she could eat whatever she wanted so long as it was hygienically cooked, and consumed in moderation. Annoyed at his needless 12-day suffering, Kerman switched to a less oil, little chilli, no junk food diet.
Mrs Badami, our real estate agent, recommended a baba at the Mahim masjid, whose concoction promised a cure in three days. Ditto for a fakir in Chembur. And there was more—grandma remedies and Ayurvedic concoctions from self-appointed specialists. For instance, if you want a liver flush, consume half a cup of extra-virgin olive oil, with the juice of three lemons, and four tablespoons of Epsom salts.
My brother-in-law Chris gave the last word on a cure for the disease. One look at Andre’s yellow eyes and he said, ‘‘Just tell him to lagao two fat pegs of whisky everyday, and liver-biver, everything will become okay.’’ I rest my case.
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