Why you struggle to keep secrets and want to share them immediately

Kruti Sharma, Corporate Trainer, Leadership Coach, POSH & AML Expert, said that research shows that secrecy isn’t just a private dilemma — it imposes a measurable burden. “Globally, studies such as Exploring the Secrecy Burden (APA, 2015) reveal that people who ruminate over secrets perceive everyday tasks as harder — distances longer, hills steeper — because the mind treats secrecy like a weight,” said Sharma.

Subhash described that keeping a secret requires your mind to be “constantly alert about what to say and what not to”. “The cognitive dissonance arises from wanting to be truthful but also staying quiet to avoid the negative consequences. Wanting to be unapologetically your true self but fear that you might be judged. This strains our minds and makes us feel unauthentic or unaccepted, which can lead to guilt, stress, worrying, or anxiety. This can even impact your focus and attention on important aspects by consuming your brain’s resources,” said Subhash.

Here’s what you should consider (Photo: Freepik)

According to The Benefits and Burdens of Keeping Others’ Secrets (Slepian & Greenaway, 2018), being entrusted with someone else’s secret can deepen trust, but often increases mental preoccupation. “In the Indian context, work like Cognitive Offloading: A Review (Nahana Parveen & Rajeev Kumar, 2022) highlights how individuals seek strategies — including sharing — to reduce internal overload. Also, studies of self-concealment among Indian young adults show that hiding thoughts without support lowers well-being,” said Sharma.

True emotional intelligence isn’t simply speaking first; it’s knowing when disclosure brings relief and when restraint honours trust, Sharma stated.

So, what happens when you disclose a secret in a ‘safe space’?

It makes you feel accepted, validated, reassured and comfortable. “Reduces your stress, helps you draw back your attention to other priorities. Aligning your inner thoughts with your outer realities is simply a luxury. If so, why do our brains still keep some secrets? Because sometimes the stress from disclosure outweighs the stress of maintaining a secret,” explained Subhash.

Does every secret need a disclosure right away?

Subhash mentioned that some disclosures give negative consequences of shame and judgment, which further worsen our stress. “Such incidents impact our emotional regulation and decision making, leading to more vigilance in disclosing information in future, and we become more prone to keeping a secret. While we understand what it takes to keep a secret, we should also understand what a mindless disclosure can do. While not all secrets need to be kept, not all secrets need a disclosure either,” elaborated Subhash.