How seeing a parent’s overgiving behaviour, as Anusha Dandekar described, can cause lasting trauma: ‘You don’t know where you got it from until…’

Anusha highlights an often-overlooked form of trauma: witnessing patterns of behaviour in loved ones and internalising them as your own.

3 min readNew DelhiFeb 3, 2026 01:00 AM IST

Anusha Dandekar reflects on childhood trauma (Source: Instagram/Anusha Dandekar)

When people talk about trauma, the conversation often leans toward extreme events like abuse or life-threatening situations. But sometimes, trauma can stem from everyday experiences that shape how we see the world. In a conversation with Dr Madhu Chopra, video jockey and actor Anusha Dandekar reflected on this.

Dr Chopra asked, “So, when you say childhood trauma, was it like an imaginary trauma? Because I know you come from a very fine family.”

To this, Dandekar replied, “That is a very good question. Actually, a lot happened, but my trauma wasn’t like, ‘oh my God, I’m feeling threatened or abused.’ I’m saying that the things that you witness, like your mum being an overgiver, a people pleaser, showing up for everybody and not herself (sic).”

She continued, “Trauma, it’s something you start relating to or you start imagining that’s how your life should be… behaving exactly like that. And you don’t know where you got it from and how, until you become an adult and realise (sic).”

Her words highlight an often-overlooked form of trauma: witnessing patterns of behaviour in loved ones and internalising them as your own.

So, how do experiences like witnessing a parent being an ‘overgiver’ or ‘people pleaser’ create subtle but long-lasting forms of trauma in children?

Psychologist Rasshi Gurnani tells indianexpress.com, “Witnessing a parent consistently being an overgiver or people pleaser can leave subtle but lasting impressions on a child. Psychologists describe this as vicarious learning, where children internalise what they observe in their caregivers. When a parent constantly sacrifices their own needs, the child may unconsciously equate love with self-neglect or believe that their worth depends on pleasing others.”

Over time, she adds, this forms what is known as relational trauma — not always overt or abusive, but deeply shaping how one relates to themselves and others. Such experiences can blur the child’s understanding of boundaries, making it difficult to distinguish between genuine care and self-erasure.

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Signs that everyday patterns might be impacting one’s mental health

Because this form of trauma doesn’t look like crisis or abuse, it often goes unrecognised. Gurnani states, “Signs can emerge in subtle patterns: chronic guilt when saying “no,” difficulty expressing needs, heightened anxiety in relationships, or an ongoing sense of emptiness despite external success.”

She says that psychologists often see this manifest as codependency, perfectionism, or fawning responses, a survival mechanism where individuals prioritise harmony over authenticity. These everyday behaviours can quietly erode self-esteem and increase vulnerability to stress, burnout, and even depression.

Steps individuals can take to break free from internalising these behaviours and build healthier boundaries

According to Gurnani, recognising that these learned behaviours are not innate but conditioned is the first step. “Therapy approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and inner child work help individuals challenge distorted beliefs about self-worth and redefine what healthy love looks like.”

She suggests that practicing boundary-setting, even in small ways, gradually retrains the nervous system to feel safe in prioritising one’s own needs. “Techniques like assertiveness training and self-compassion exercises build emotional resilience and healthier relational patterns. Surrounding oneself with secure, reciprocal relationships reinforces these changes.”