How to combat ‘betterment burnout’ that’s taking an emotional toll on women

“Betterment burnout is the weariness a person encounters in the unending pursuit of an ever-elusive ‘better’ self,” says Mert Ulusoy, psychotherapist at Clinic Les Alpes.

“It is the exhaustion felt not from reaching one’s limit, but from the realization that the limit continuously extends beyond our reach. In our quest to become, we risk never being; in our desire to improve, we forget the richness of what already is,” he adds.

Drishti Sharma, a 28-year-old content creator, says she feels immense pressure to “consistently produce high-quality content”, despite advocating for self-love and a healthy lifestyle online.

The need to engage continuously with her audience and stay up-to-date with trends on social media has impacted her mental health, taking the joy away from creation. “I feel if I don’t improve my quality of work, I will be left behind. As a content creator in the ‘self-help’ category, there’s a sense of responsibility to practice what I preach, leading to the relentless pursuit of self-improvement. The competitive nature of the industry and the desire to stay relevant in an already crowded market further fuel this drive,” she says.

Poonam Chakraborty, 32, too, has always felt the need to do better in life. “As a woman, sometimes I completely forget that I am a human and not a software version that needs to be updated every 3 months,” the branding and communications manager shares.

“I always want to be a good friend, a good lover, a good daughter. This ‘good girl’ syndrome can be daunting, and now that I look back at my life, all of this was out of fear — the fear of not being good enough,” she confesses.

However, this constant pursuit of betterment isn’t just exhausting; it is counterproductive. In fact, research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology in 2021 suggests that an unrealistic need for perfectionism often begets depression, social disconnection, and a lack of belonging, among other negative outcomes.

Concurring, Dr Priya Kaul, a spiritual life coach, explains that while the intention behind self-improvement is positive, striving for perfection is detrimental. “Pushing oneself too hard to meet ever-increasing standards can take a toll on one’s mental and emotional well-being,” Kaul says.

Andrie Singh, 33, a manager at Thomson Reuters, suffers from endometriosis that compels her to have an elaborate self-care routine with an excessive focus on fitness and nutrition. “I feel whatever I do, how much I do, it is always less,” she reveals.

Recently, a family member of hers had a medical emergency. Despite running with a fever, she rushed to support them. “I didn’t rest, sleep, or eat properly, putting my all to support them in every way,” Singh says. However, once their relative was out of the hospital, Singh’s health deteriorated and is still recuperating.

So, why are women more affected by ‘betterment burnout’?

Betterment burnout is the weariness a person encounters in the unending pursuit of an ever-elusive ‘better’ self. (Source: Freepik)

Although this phenomenon is not gender-exclusive, Dr Gitanjali Natarajan, clinical psychology director at Niyama Digital Mental Healthcare, explains that socio-cultural factors can contribute to women being more susceptible to ‘betterment burnout’.

“Women feel pressured to meet internalised and external social expectations arising from traditional gender roles. They find themselves striving to excel in multiple domains — from career, family to social life and personal development,” she adds.

Not only this. Systemic barriers such as gender discrimination and unequal access to resources can intensify this pressure, says Apurva Singh Verma, head of products and service excellence at Elephant in the Room. “This makes it even more challenging for women to maintain work-life balance and prioritise well-being,” Verma mentions.

In the paper, ‘Potential and the Gender Promotion Gap’, Danielle Li, an MIT Sloan associate professor, found that female employees are less likely to be promoted than male counterparts, despite outperforming them and being less likely to quit. A survey by Gallup in 2023 also found that 33 per cent of women felt almost always burned out, compared to 25 per cent of men.

Agreeing, Aanandita Vaghani, mental health counsellor and founder at UnFix, says that women are sociologically wired to pursue self-improvement. “Whether it is in pursuit of a partner if they are not married by a certain age or the wage gap where they are forced to overcompensate for earning a higher position, women get burnt out in the process,” she points out.

Now with ‘hustle culture’ repackaged in self-help lingo, experts warn of the ubiquity of self-care apps, routines, books, and more, exacerbating the ‘betterment burnout’.

“An overconsumption of wellness content on social media can feed into the ‘not being good enough’ trap in the long run. Since self-care is not a one-size-fits-all, certain inputs available might not be suitable for everyone,” Dr Natarajan says.

Additionally, ‘betterment’ content and practices, explains Ujjwal Handa, founder of ASMI App & AnjanaJyoti HealthTech, can promote unrealistic standards and reinforce the idea that we need to constantly self-improve in every aspect of our life. “To tackle this, it’s important to approach self-care mindfully and critically evaluate whether certain practices are truly serving us or contributing to feelings of inadequacy,” Handa says.

The research done by Bumble in 2023 had similar findings. Their latest study revealed that a majority of Indian women (67 per cent) admitted feeling the constant pressure to ‘self-optimise’ and strive to become a perfect version of themselves. “From 5 am walks, self-help podcasts and books on better living, yoga classes and journaling to constant hustling at work, alongside comparisons on social media only intensifies this pressure of self-improvement, hitting women especially hard,” it read.

A 24-year-old Delhi-based writer shares that initially she tried to journal but felt it was unsustainable. “I wasn’t consistent with it every day. This inconsistency made me feel guilty, turning something meant to be good for me into something that made me feel worse. I just put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to journal daily,” she says on condition of anonymity.

On similar lines, Sharma says she felt overwhelmed with the volume of advice and recommendations available, which led to “analysis paralysis and decision fatigue”.

What can help

Stop striving for an elusive “better” self and embrace who you are. (Source: English Vinglish)

First, it is important to prioritise self-acceptance. “By embracing their inherent worth and acknowledging that personal growth doesn’t equate to a constant need for change, women can strike a delicate balance between self-acceptance and improvement,” Dr Rimpa Sarkar, director at Sentier Mind, explains.

She lists some strategies to combat betterment burnout:

Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge that it’s okay not to be perfect and give yourself permission to make mistakes. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during challenging times.

Set boundaries: Learn to say no to unrealistic demands and prioritize tasks based on their importance and impact on your well-being. Establishing boundaries will help prevent burnout and maintain a healthy work-life balance.

Take breaks: Allow yourself regular breaks throughout the day to rest and recharge. Incorporate activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it is taking a walk in nature, practicing mindfulness, or indulging in a hobby.

Focus on what matters: Identify your core values and priorities and align your actions accordingly. Let go of unnecessary obligations and commitments that do not contribute to your overall well-being and fulfilment.

Practice gratitude: Cultivate a gratitude practice by reflecting on the positive aspects of your life and expressing appreciation for the blessings you have. Gratitude can help shift your perspective and foster resilience in the face of challenges.

Limit social media exposure: Avoid information overload and curate your feed with positive content.

Seek support: Reach out to friends, family members, or a trusted therapist for support and guidance. Talking about your feelings and experiences can provide validation and perspective, helping you navigate through difficult times.

Celebrate progress: Recognise and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. Acknowledge the effort you put into your goals and celebrate milestones along the way. Celebrating progress can boost your confidence and motivation to continue moving forward.

“To prioritise self-acceptance is to engage in a radical act of self-love — to say, ‘I am enough’ in a world that insists, ‘You need to be more’,” says Mert Ulusoy, psychotherapist.

“The balance can come from having the courage to say ‘no’ to the unceasing demands of betterment when they threaten to cast a shadow on who we are, and the courage to say ‘yes’ to growth when it aligns with our authentic selves. In seeking balance, we won’t be seeking the middle ground but the acceptance of the reality that all we can do is to be wholly ourselves in a world of constant becoming,” he concludes.