‘Main ferocious maa zaroor hu’: Kajol recalls breaking 12-year-old Nysa’s phone during one of their fights; expert explains why adolescence triggers clashes at home

At one point she reflected on how she would have intense fights with daughter Nysa when she was still a teenager, “I think woh 12 saal ki thi aur poore 6 mahine se uska kuch na kuch ladaiyan ho rahi thi, kuch na kuch. I reached one point uska naya phone leke jo toda hai, taad karke (I think she was 12-years-old and for 6 entire months she was having fights due to some or the other reason. I reached one point where I broke her brand new phone).”

“I don’t know whether it’s tough love, but it’s necessary love. Yeah,” Kajol added, pointing out how persistent conflicts during this stage can overwhelm even the most patient parent. Such moments highlight a universal challenge many parents face, navigating the intense emotional swings, resistance, and constant negotiating that often emerge during adolescence. 

So, what developmental or psychological changes around that age make children more likely to argue or push back against parents?

Gurleen Baruah, existential psychologist, tells indianexpress.com, “Around 12, children are entering early adolescence, which brings a storm of physical, hormonal, and psychological changes. Puberty accelerates mood swings and intensifies sensitivity. Developmentally, they’re beginning to seek independence and form a separate identity, which often shows up as arguments or defiance toward parents.” 

She adds, “Research consistently shows that teenagers frequently report feeling misunderstood and even hostile toward their parents during this stage. At the same time, their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for judgment and impulse control — is still underdeveloped. This push–pull dynamic is why clashes at home become so common.”

Setting boundaries without damaging trust or escalating conflicts when arguments become frequent

Baruah admits, “It’s not easy,” adding that these years test a parent’s patience and resilience. “The key is remembering that you are the adult in the room. Boundaries are necessary for safety and guidance, but how they’re enforced matters. Shouting, shaming, or power struggles usually backfire. Instead, parents can explain the ‘why’ behind rules, offer limited choices, and allow space for negotiation where possible,” she suggests. 

Strategies to help parents manage their own frustration during repeated clashes with pre-teens or teenagers

Baruah notes, “A useful approach is reframing: remind yourself that this defiance is not a personal attack but a normal developmental stage. Perspective-taking helps — most of us also went through periods of slamming doors or rolling eyes at our parents. Developmentally, as Kohlberg’s theory of moral growth suggests, children at this age are experimenting with fairness, justice, and autonomy.” 

For parents, grounding techniques — like pausing, deep breathing, or briefly stepping away — can prevent escalation. “And having your own outlet, whether through friends, partners, or parent communities, provides the support needed to handle these clashes with patience instead of resentment,” concludes the expert. 

 

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