‘I was sceptical about seeing myself as a wife after what happened’: Why Indian couples are turning to counselling before marriage

Therapy eventually helped Uniyal rebuild her emotional framework. “I was sceptical about seeing myself as a wife after what happened during my first engagement. My therapist helped me work on self-worth and self-compassion. It gave me the confidence to enter a marriage without fear.”

She was especially worried about being judged for her past by her new family—a common anxiety in arranged marriages. “I feared prejudice. I didn’t want my previous engagement to define me.”

Today, even as a mother, Uniyal continues therapy. “When the woman in a household feels centred, everything else falls into place. Motherhood changed my perspective—it’s a shared responsibility. Counselling helps me communicate better with my husband.”

Why couples are turning to counselling before marriage

The concept of relationships has evolved over the years. Marriage is no longer about accommodating in the guise of a “life-long” commitment. Instead, today, a lasting relationship thrives on how much the partners feel understood by their better halves. Factors such as growing individualism and financial stability are becoming increasingly paramount for a solid relationship.

Glimpse of a counselling session at Dr Pandey’s clinic (Photo: Ashish Pandey)

Just look around, and there will be voices validating the changing dynamics. Take, for example, the case of India. Once known for its lowest divorce rate, at just 1 per cent, there is now a shift in the pattern. According to the Periodic Labour Force Survey, “More Indians are getting divorced now than seven years ago, and the proportion of divorced or separated women in rural areas is on the rise.”

This surge in separations has compelled people to seek help. They are resorting to counselling to bridge the gaps, hijacking their relationship. Particularly in the urban landscape, premarital counselling is now predominant.

When heartbreak leads to healing

For Ekta Pandey, counselling became a turning point after a “devastating” breakup. She began therapy with Dr Ashish Pandey, Counselling Psychologist at Mano Srijan Wellness Centre-Psychologist & Counselling Services, Kanpur.

Ekta, who battled depression and struggled with a broken sense of self, says therapy helped her unlearn her habit of finding validation through pain. “Dr Pandey made me realise how simple human connections can be, and that my past didn’t have to dictate my expectations.”

“I spent two years working on myself. Gradually, the conversations with Dr Pandey helped me understand my worth. Over time, a bond developed naturally — first as a professional, and slowly, as a confidante and now husband,” she reflects.

The two got married this year and have a daughter.

What therapists are seeing

According to Dr Pandey, pre-marital counselling has become crucial in determining the sustainability of modern relationships. “Many couples come after getting engaged, or once the wedding date is announced,” he says. “They’re concerned about recurring conflicts—communication gaps, differences in values, financial disagreements, and family interference.”

He recalls working with a couple who had been together for six to seven years. “Counselling was their last attempt. After compatibility and psychosocial assessments, they realised their expectations didn’t align. But some gaps were workable with clear communication tools and emotional-awareness exercises.”

Many couples, he notes, discover that their problems are not dealbreakers at all—just poorly articulated needs.

However, not all outcomes are happy. “Sometimes, our analysis clearly suggests that the marriage may not sustain. Like a couple who had great friendship-level compatibility but lacked the temperament and conflict-resolution skills necessary for a successful marriage. We advised them not to get married, but they went ahead anyway. Today, they are unfortunately filing for separation.”

Factors driving compatibility gaps

Age

Age gap is a recurring source of conflict, especially when the woman is older. “It unconsciously creates a power imbalance,” says Dr Pandey. “Communication becomes strained, and priorities differ.”

He describes a case where a 35-year-old woman and a 29-year-old man struggled for years due to cultural differences and mismatched expectations. “She didn’t want to change her lifestyle post-marriage. He requested that she dress ‘appropriately’ at certain religious gatherings after their marriage. Both agreed. However, the compromises didn’t last long enough, and the issues resurfaced. They’re now heading toward separation.”

Poor communication

Therapists identify communication ineptness as the primary cause of relationship breakdown. Reiterating the same, Dr Pandey explains, “These gaps start small—unspoken expectations, emotional withholding, unclear boundaries—and grow into chronic resentment.”

The surge in divorce rates has compelled people to seek therapy (Photo: Ashish Pandey)

Cultural and value-based differences

Couples often underestimate the profound impact of their cultural upbringing on emotional expression, conflict style, finances, and family involvement. “The couple with the age difference is a classic example of relationships falling apart due to cultural and value-based differences,” points out Dr Pandey.

Undermining a woman’s self-respect

According to Dr Vartika Ahuja, Family and Relationship Counsellor, Mano Srijan Wellness Centre – Psychologist & Counselling Services, Kanpur, a major but overlooked factor is the undervaluation of a woman’s dignity and ambition.

“In many relationships, women are expected to compromise disproportionately. When their boundaries, career aspirations, or emotional needs are overlooked, it erodes trust and intimacy. This emotional erosion is one of the leading causes of marital disconnect,” Dr Ahuja says.

Pre-marital counselling: arranged vs love

In arranged marriages, many individuals approach counselling as a form of self-preparation. The goal here is introspection: to understand oneself better and identify what to look for in a future partner. Dr Pandey sees this often. “People who are planning to marry and are searching for a partner come in for clarity,” he explains. “They want to know what parameters matter, what traits define compatibility, and how to assess companionship during the initial meetings.”

In love marriages, however, the demand for pre-marital counselling tends to be higher—and the focus more complex. Couples who are already emotionally invested typically seek reassurance about long-term compatibility or help in addressing unresolved issues. “When two individuals are already committed, they want to be certain about the sustainability of their relationship,” Dr Pandey elaborates.

Dr Ahuja has seen similar situations. She stresses that love and marriage operate on entirely different grounds. “Love is one thing; marriage is a lifelong process,” she notes. “We often meet couples who have been together for a decade, yet the point of friction is something seemingly trivial. But those small issues often reflect deeper patterns.”

In one case, after thorough analysis, she advised a long-term couple not to proceed with marriage due to low compatibility. “They chose to go ahead,” she says. “Now, even after marriage, they attend individual sessions to work through the same issues.”

Why are couples often unprepared?

The need for structured premarital preparation is on the rise, including in the West. Counsellor Todd Stevens of Renovation Marriage highlights one of the biggest misconceptions: couples assuming that because they succeeded at dating, they are automatically ready for marriage. He tells indianexpress.com, “That’s like saying because you can swim in a pool, you’re ready for the ocean.” Stevens calls this misplaced confidence dating success syndrome. Couples believe:

• We’ve reached the engagement stage, so we must excel in relationships.
• We love each other and communicate well.
• We’ve never had a major fight—so why would marriage be any different?

But he stresses that dating skills and marriage skills are worlds apart. Dating is about putting forward your best self. “Marriage is about choosing each other even when exhaustion, conflict, or emotional wounds enter the picture. It demands resilience, empathy, and tools that couples often have never learned,” he notes.

“Yet most couples spend months planning the aesthetics of a wedding—flowers, venues, menus—while dedicating almost no time to preparing for the realities of marriage: conflict resolution, emotional repair, healthy communication, and trust building,” Stevens stresses.