Why some people stray, yet stay; Untangling psychology behind cheating in India, and what the numbers don’t show

On the drive home, he tried to fill the air. “How was lunch? What did you eat? Did you get dessert?” — all questions were met with silence. He dreaded such deafening silences. Her mind was still somewhere else.

“We got intimate,” were the first words she finally said. Those softly spoken words, uttered only once, seemed louder than the Bollywood number playing on the radio and harsher than the biting cold outside. She didn’t seem to expect a reaction. It was more of a closing statement than a conversation starter.

He smiled, but not out of joy –– from a strange sense of peace; of knowing his gut had been right. He had never been suspicious, restrictive or possessive. He believed what many do: those who wish to cheat, will, and it says more about them than those who are betrayed.

For him, it was closure.

The rest of the drive was lonely but not hostile. There was no shouting, no tears, just the silence of two people who knew the relationship had died long before this night. The atmosphere in that moving metal box felt like a home mourning a death, one everyone had seen coming.

This scene is playing out across India in apartments, cafés, parks, and late-night text messages. That is why the latest data on infidelity is both surprising and more complex than it first appears.

When the numbers don’t agree

The latest Gleeden–IPSOS 2025 survey reports that India’s “self-reported” cheating rate has fallen by 16 per cent since 2023. 48 per cent of respondents now admit to being unfaithful, compared to the 64 per cent two years ago. Gleeden calls it “infidelity fatigue”: people tired of juggling double lives, leaning instead towards open conversations, redefined partnerships, and negotiated boundaries.

However, the 2025 Ashley Madison rankings, as reported by ET Edge Insights, tell a different story. Kanchipuram, Tamil Nadu — not a major metro — tops the list for extra-marital activity in India. Several districts from Delhi-NCR follow, and, surprisingly, Mumbai is absent from the top 20.

If both sets of numbers are true, the question shouldn’t be “are we cheating less?” It should be “what’s really driving the choices people make when they do?”

Yuzvendra Chahal’s admission and the cost of pretending

That question took a public turn when cricketer Yuzvendra Chahal spoke openly about “faking” his marriage to choreographer Dhanashree Verma in its final stretch, and leaning on RJ Mahvash for support during that period. It was a glimpse into a common pattern: staying in the frame of a relationship long after the picture inside has faded.

“Most people expect their partners to be everything — a lover, a friend, a therapist, a nurturer,” said Delnna Rrajesh, psychologist and relationship coach. “When one person cannot meet all these expectations, instead of adjusting those expectations or seeking healthier solutions, some turn outside the marriage for what’s missing. This isn’t always about passion; it’s often about feeling seen, heard, or valued again.”

You don’t have to know the psychological term for it to recognise this — avoiding the pain of ending something by finding comfort elsewhere. Leaving can feel like tearing up your own lifeline. And that is a major reason behind people straying, not from relationships, just marriages. Relationships ended way before.

“People often think cheating is about attraction, but more often it’s about loneliness, disappointment, and external pressures,” said Delnna Rrajesh, psychologist and relationship coach. “I see two kinds of people — those who will try to make it work no matter what, and those who won’t tolerate discomfort for long. In both cases, factors like interference from in-laws, influence of peers, and comparison with other couples can chip away at a marriage. A not-so-supportive friend circle can fire up resentment on both sides. Over time, this creates a hollowness, and when you’re already feeling empty, you’re more likely to find that emotional space elsewhere — not because you were looking to cheat, but because you slipped into it.”

Leaving can feel like tearing up your own lifeline.  (Source: Freepik)

Why not just leave?

This is a question friends and strangers throw around easily: if it’s not working, why not end it? Why not up and leave?

Answer is simple, too, if looked at with an open mind. Endings, in most cases, especially marriages, are costly — money, stability, identity. There are kids, loans, and reputations at stake. There’s also the human pull towards the familiar, even when the familiar hurts. “Sometimes people stay in suffocating marriages for the children, for social standing, or to avoid community gossip. Peer pressure, comparison with other couples, and interference from in-laws can all contribute to emotional distance — but still, divorce feels like a bigger social failure than an affair,” Rrajesh said.

It is easy for others to suggest separation and cutting off, but only the two people who once decided to give life a shot together know how much they have nurtured that relationship. I don’t mean to, in any way, argue couples should stretch their unfulfilled relationships for the sake of all that I mentioned above; I am saying it shouldn’t be so difficult for these parties to understand why those couples do what they do.

“Leaving a marriage is scary, especially in India,” said Rrajesh. “Divorce is still stigmatised, and if there are children, it’s even harder. The process is messy, expensive, and emotionally draining. I’ve seen couples agreeing to let each other have affairs, as long as they keep the family unit intact. It’s not healthy, but for them, it feels like the lesser evil compared to separation.”

The Gleeden data adds another twist: 94 per cent of those who cheated still described themselves as happy in their relationships. But only 25 per cent felt fulfilled. That gap — happy enough to stay, restless enough to stray — is where many affairs begin.

“Financial differences and mismatched ambitions are another big reason,” Rrajesh said, adding, “When ambitions don’t align, couples often lose respect for each other, and it’s hard to be with someone you no longer respect. In that situation, attention from someone else can feel like a lifeline.”

Affairs are often painted as thrill-seeking, but in reality they’re more about patching a personal deficit. Feeling heard again. Feeling wanted. Reclaiming a part of yourself you thought had gone numb.

“Sometimes what’s missing comes from deep-rooted inner child wounds,” Rrajesh said. “A fear of loneliness, a need to be nurtured, or craving constant attention. Expecting a partner to heal those wounds is unfair — but when both partners expect it from each other, the emotional strain can break the bond.”

When the intimacy at home frays due to work stress, parenting, illness, or just emotional drift, which I have written about earlier, many people avoid the hard conversation that might actually fix it, either through a reconciliation or deciding to part ways. An affair becomes a shortcut to feeling alive again. The problem is, it’s a temporary fix that often leaves the original gap wider. And more people get hurt in the process, eventually.

The mechanics of attachment and acting-out

Attachment history leaves a pattern. People who carry anxious attachment often fear abandonment and may try to secure connection by any means possible, including secretive affairs that paradoxically both reassure and threaten their sense of safety. People who carry avoidant attachment, on the other hand, can make intimacy feel suffocating; those individuals may pursue affairs that offer physical intimacy without the messy demands of emotional closeness.

Knowing a person’s attachment tendencies helps clinicians distinguish motive: is this an attempt to fill an emptiness, a fear-driven cling, or a move to avoid vulnerability? The answer changes what a therapist would advise: ending the relationship, rebuilding trust, or learning to regulate closeness and autonomy.

Forgiveness and the ‘one-time mistake’

The survey found 62 per cent of Indians would consider forgiving a one-off affair if there’s genuine remorse. In practice, that forgiveness often comes from wanting to preserve stability rather than embracing the act. Some rebuild. Others make a kind of armed peace, living on together with the crack still visible under the paint.

“Forgiving a one-time affair is a personal decision,” said Rrajesh. “Many people do forgive — not to excuse the act, but to preserve stability. Whether the person cheats again depends on their overall patterns. If someone lies in other areas of life, they’re more likely to lie about relationships too. That’s why I always tell clients to look at the bigger picture of a person’s integrity, not just the affair itself.”

“Having said that, I’ve also seen couples rebuild after infidelity, some even grow stronger,” she said. “But that only happens when both partners address the real reasons behind the betrayal and commit to changing the patterns that led to it.”

How endings differ

Some relationships end in slammed doors and cruel legal battles. Others in slow, muted car rides, like that December night. The break isn’t always the moment of cheating; it’s the months, sometimes years, of unspoken distance that came before.

For the man in Delhi, the confession didn’t start the end, it finished it. In the weeks that followed, conversations they’d avoided for years finally happened. Tears fell for things they should have said earlier. They parted, not in chaos, but with clarity.

And perhaps that’s the real story: cheating may start as an attempt to keep something alive without losing yourself in the process. But most of the time, it’s the silence before the affair — not the affair itself — that decides the ending.