Two to Tango: When differences between a couple lead to a fight

When a couple has differing interests, the solution often depends on how much the couple wants to save their relationship.

Written by Amrita Sharma | New Delhi | Published: May 15, 2016 7:15:47 pm

Finger art of couple during quarrel Most often, it’s more about HOW you fight than the actual fight itself. (Source: Thinkstock Images)

Almost all couples are known to fight, and while some feel that a good fight is a sign of a healthy relationship, others say that fights end up creating distances between the couples.

Experts, however, say that there is nothing unhealthy about fights between couples because no two individuals are alike. And when different individuals stay together in close proximity, differences are bound to arise. But it is up to the couple to make sure they pick the issues that calls for a fight, instead of picking one at the drop of a hat, since that can spell doom for a relationship.

Take the case of Jia and Manas. When they got married, they were both from different backgrounds – one very liberal and the other very conservative, and it always led to severe fights between them. Jia was an outgoing girl who loved to party, socialise and travel, while Manas was more of a homebody who loved routine and the comfort of his house than adventure.

“Every weekend we ended up fighting. I wanted to go out, let my hair down after a whole tiring week, but Manas just wouldn’t hear of it. His idea of relaxing was playing a couch potato, with box of French fries in one hand and bottle of beer in the other. I felt really cheated and let down,” she said.

Due to different preferences, arguments would ensue and gradually it began to affect their relationship. “I started having serious thoughts about us continuing together. After all, it was not healthy fighting every weekend. I mean, I didn’t get married to have to fight for my right to spend my time the way I wanted to,” Manas said.

Therapists say that in such cases, a lot depends on how much the couple wants to save their relationship. They say that even though there might be several areas of conflict, if a couple wants to stay together, they can always work out a middle path in order to get along well.

Read all the Two to Tango columns here.

Counsellors also add that it’s not always about why a couple fights but also how they fight. According to them, a few things that a couple must keep in mind while fighting issues out are:

* Stay focused: A couple needs to just stick to the issue at hand and deal with resolving that first, instead of bringing in all the other “objectionable” things about the partner. Such an approach only ends up getting the partner on the defensive.

* Keeping the past out: Many people have this habit of alluding to past incidents, despite the fact that those were over and done with. This makes the issue seem like a carry forward of the past fight and deflects from the current situation.

* Score-keeping: Many couples face a situation where a fights starts and then in order to put the other down, they start making personal attacks, which often includes family members, personal shortcomings and sensitive points.

Counsellors say that the one and only goal of all fights between couples should be to resolve the contentious issues that may be affecting their smooth ride. Anything else will defeat the purpose. They also say that the couples must accord each other their attention, their open mindedness and stating their own point of view – so that the partner understands why you think a certain issue calls for attention.

Fight it out, but fight fair – is the mantra that all counselors and therapists suggest. If you have to save your relationship, follow the golden rule of fighting and reach the middle path that both of you are happy with.

 

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