It is very natural for relationship to shift positions when couples move from dating to marriage.
Often when couples get married, things do change – sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse – if the couples are not careful.
When we cross over the threshold into marital life, there are certain expectations that each partner enters the relationship with.
One of the many grievances couples have from one another is that the partner who supported them in everything before they got married, changed after they got married.
Take the case of Myra and Arjun. When they were dating Myra was in the fashion industry and loved to dress up.
“That was what Arjun liked about me. He loved my way of dressing up and said that he loved to flaunt me to his friends,” she said.
But once they got married, things changed. Since they lived in the same house with his parents, they would often complain about the way she dressed.
“Instead of supporting me, he started telling me to mind my clothes. I couldn’t believe it. After all the way I dressed was my identity. It was just how I was and he knew that. But instead of standing by me he took his parents’ side and left me to fight he battle alone,” she said.
Unfortunately, things didn’t change and Myra decided to file for divorce.
“It was not about compromising. But he had no idea to betray me like that. If he had objections to the way I dressed he should have made it clear before we got married. He can’t expect me to change the way I am – just because he does not have the spine to support me,” she said.
Therapists say that when faced with such a situation, it’s most important that the couples sit down and share about how they feel the other person is letting them down.
It’s like a reality check needed for partners who tend to slip into complacency once married.
What most couples also feel hurt about is the fact that their partner was objecting to things that did not matter earlier.
This is what happened with Iqbal and Sana.
Since Iqbal was in the media industry, his circle of friends and colleagues comprised many women. Sana was aware of this when she got married and had seen him with them many times. But after they got married, she became really possessive about him.
“Initially I brushed it off as a joke, but gradually I realised that she was serious. She would check my calls, my messages and even eavesdrop when I was on the phone with a woman friend or colleague. It was such a disappointment,” says Iqbal.
Fights would ensure and Iqbal felt really cheated.
“I had no idea that she would behave so differently once she was married. For god’s sake, it was the same group we would hang out with when we were dating. Now suddenly she was all paranoid. It was suffocating and it also stated affecting my work,” he said.
Experts say that couples often expect their partners to continue providing them the support they did during their courtship period. But when partners change after marriage, it often causes hurt feelings and a sense of betrayal.
Counsellors also say it’s important for partners to review if they are coming up to each other’s expectations and satisfaction, and if not, then how can they both work towards providing that support needed for the relationship to work.
That’s the only solution – and option – for not just the relationship but both partners to evolve if they see their marriage as a long term commitment.
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