Actor Tamannaah Bhatia appeared on Raj Shamani’s Figuring Out podcast recently where she spoke at length about certain red flags in relationships that one must be aware of.
While discussing this, she highlighted one of the most crucial issues: the danger of trying to change or control a partner. She said, “One shouldn’t try so hard to change your partner and turn them into what you think is their perfect version, which is actually what you want them to be. It’s a form of control. It’s a red flag. “
When one partner attempts to control or change the other, it can undermine trust and mutual respect, leading to a dysfunctional dynamic. Understanding why some individuals seek to control their partners and how to address these behaviours is essential for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships.
Sonal Khangarot, licensed rehabilitation counsellor and psychotherapist, The Answer Room, tells indianexpress.com, “Controlling behaviour in relationships often stems from deep-seated psychological issues or unmet needs, originating either in childhood or from adult experiences.”
Those with attachment issues, particularly those with anxious or disorganised attachment styles, may feel that controlling their partner is necessary to maintain relationship stability. (Source: Freepik)
Common psychological reasons behind controlling behaviour in relationships
Khangarot says, “One of the primary reasons is low self-esteem and insecurity. Individuals who do not feel secure within themselves or have a negative self-image may try to control others to compensate for their lack of internal stability.”
Fear of abandonment is another powerful psychological driver behind controlling behaviour, adds Khangarot. A person with a deep-rooted fear of being left alone may try to control their partner’s actions, believing that doing so will prevent them from leaving the relationship.
Additionally, she mentions, individuals who have experienced past abuse or trauma might engage in controlling behaviours as a misguided attempt to feel safe and protect themselves from potential harm.
Those with attachment issues, particularly those with anxious or disorganised attachment styles, may feel that controlling their partner is necessary to maintain relationship stability. This behaviour often arises from an inability to express emotions or needs in healthier ways.
Khangarot explains, “Finally, unrealistic expectations can also lead to controlling behaviour. Some individuals may try to mould their partner into an ‘ideal’ version, believing that this will ensure the relationship’s success.”
Subtle signs of controlling behaviour in relationships
Controlling behaviour often starts subtly and becomes more pronounced over time, asserts Khangarot. Early signs to look out for include:
Boundary Breaches: Frequent requests to step out of your comfort zone to meet the partner’s desires, with little regard for your own boundaries and preferences. A healthy relationship should respect individuality and personal boundaries.
Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting: Techniques like gaslighting are used to make a partner doubt their perceptions and beliefs, thereby gaining control. This can involve intense emotional blackmail (e.g., “If you love me, you would…”).
Constant Criticism Disguised as Care: Criticising a partner’s choices, appearance, or behaviour under the guise of wanting them to improve or become a “better version” of themselves, when the true intention is control.
Isolation Tactics: Encouraging or coercing the partner to cut ties with family and friends, or deliberately creating conflict before important events to prevent the partner from attending.
Steps to change controlling behaviour or break free from a controlling partner
Being in a controlling relationship can severely impact a person’s mental and emotional health. One of the most immediate effects is diminished self-esteem. Over time, individuals exposed to controlling behaviour may begin to doubt their worth and their ability to make decisions, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
To address or escape controlling behaviour:
Seek Professional Help: Therapy, particularly with a specialist in trauma and abuse, can be invaluable in processing experiences and learning healthier relationship behaviours.
Self-Reflection: Recognise and acknowledge controlling behaviours, whether in oneself or from a partner, to take appropriate steps to protect one’s well-being.
Rebuild Support Networks: Reconnect with friends and family who can provide support and assist in leaving a controlling relationship.
Develop Independence: Cultivate areas of personal independence, such as finding employment or pursuing education, to increase financial and emotional autonomy.
Create an Exit Plan: Prepare a strategy for leaving a controlling relationship safely, recognising that it may involve multiple attempts before achieving freedom. Focus on setting and working towards creating a better life.
"One shouldn’t try so hard to change your partner and turn them into what you think is their perfect version," said Tamannaah Bhatia (Source: YouTube/Raj Shamani) 
Those with attachment issues, particularly those with anxious or disorganised attachment styles, may feel that controlling their partner is necessary to maintain relationship stability. (Source: Freepik)
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