‘He felt that I went behind his back…’: The dark side of staying friends when your bestie dates your ex

Feelings are messy, and way too many relationships and friendships have been given the axe over a former partner. Even though Emily was more than okay with her best friend Mindy pairing up with her ex Alfie, not all of us are living life a la the latest season of Emily In Paris, or The Summer I Turned Pretty — where the female lead Isabel Conklin oscillated between brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher for the better part of the three seasons.

“I genuinely cannot imagine being okay with my closest friend dating my ex,” said Kritty Gahatraj during our quick conversation on the phone. The New Delhi-based public relations professional believes friendships and relationships work best when there’s mutual respect, honesty, and emotional clarity. And blurred boundaries quietly create confusion and hurt.

“Encouraging a close friend and my ex-boyfriend to be friends slowly turned into moments that felt uncomfortable. Casual flirting, emotional closeness, and expectations that mirrored what he did for me, yet my feelings were repeatedly dismissed as ‘overthinking,” she told indianexpress.com. To add fuel to the fire, being gaslit during that phase made her question her own instincts, a wound that took a long time to heal.

Experiences like these stay with you. They teach you why boundaries aren’t about control or insecurity, but about emotional safety. Even without overt betrayal, such dynamics erode trust, something Aditya Sharma’s college friend faced firsthand when Sharma began dating his ex. “He felt that I went behind his back while they were still in the relationship. He stopped hanging out and reserved himself.”

All attempts at reconciliation met a brick wall until one night, the boys decided to clear the air and bury the hatchet. “Big mistake,” Sharma recalled, “He refused to listen, and started asking the same question again and again, ‘What did I do wrong that you went behind my back like this?'”

At that point, Sharma knew there was no point in trying to make him understand, and therefore decided to apologise to calm him down. A few years passed without contact, till they met again on a friend’s trip to Nainital.

“There was huge awkwardness between us at the start. But we exchanged a few words on what we wanted to eat and got talking again. We are on good terms now,” said the account executive at Equations PR and Media. At the end of our long-drawn conversation, he added: “Moral of the story: Don’t date your friend’s ex”.

Violating the bro/girl code comes at a cost

According to Dr Rimpa Sarkar, a clinical psychologist and founder of Sentier Wellness, ideas like “girl code” and “bro code” reflect collective beliefs about loyalty and respect that remain psychologically relevant even as dating norms evolve. Violating these unspoken expectations can feel like a betrayal, even if no harm was intended.

Tvishi Sharma, clinical psychologist at Sachetna Wellness, added that popular culture often frames acceptance as growth, but real-life reactions suggest the issue is far more layered. Boundaries around ex-partners are not arbitrary social rules. They often exist to protect emotional safety within relationships. Breakups rarely end with complete emotional closure, and even when people appear to have moved on, she said, past relationships can carry emotional residue such as vulnerability, comparison, or unresolved hurt.

Sharma explained that when a close friend enters that space, it can blur emotional boundaries and disrupt the trust that friendships rely on. What changes is not just the dynamic with the ex, but the feeling of safety within the friendship or relationship itself.

The lead actors from The Summer I Turned Pretty. (Source: Instagram/@thesummeriturnedpretty)

During our conversation, Ronak acknowledged the loss of her cousins’ presence in her life following this incident. “Of course, it’s not a good thing to do to your cousin, but she is married to someone else and has her own family now. He and I, we vibed. It just clicked,” she said.

At first, her cousin felt some sense of emotional ownership over her ex — even though they had broken up two years earlier, when she was getting married to someone else.

“Since they were good friends, there were times when my boyfriend responded rudely or made light of it when she tried to exert a little control.” But Ronak was very clear that this shouldn’t happen. “She is my sister, we’ve spent our entire childhood together, and I would never, ever want anything that could hurt her,” she told her partner.

Sharing how she spiralled into guilt trips at times, Ronak added that her partner was a solid support during that phase. “He always made sure I was comfortable, and not even once did he make me feel any less. I often forget that he and my cousin were in a relationship,” she added. But through it all, her main goal was to remain respectful toward her cousin.

Is staying friends a sign of emotional maturity?

Sharma explained that being okay with a friend dating one’s ex is often mistaken for a sign of emotional maturity. Something the cousin was having trouble coming to terms with. In reality, emotional maturity lies in recognising one’s emotional capacity rather than performing tolerance. For some, continued proximity to an ex feels manageable. For others, it interferes with healing and quietly breeds resentment.

“Neither response is inherently immature, but problems arise when people override discomfort to appear evolved, only for unspoken tensions to surface later,” she said.

It’s been a year since Ronak’s cousin cut all contact with her, and despite briefly keeping in touch with her ex, there’s no communication with her anymore, something she regrets deeply.

Sharma illustrated that in the Indian context, these situations tend to have lasting consequences. “Friendships often span years, social circles overlap, and romantic relationships are closely tied to identity, reputation, and future security. When boundaries are crossed without discussion, friendships may end immediately, or in certain cases change in subtle ways,” she said. Trust shifts, intimacy reduces, and emotional distance sets in.

Dr Sarkar said, “Before dating a friend’s ex, ask yourself: Am I prepared to lose or change this friendship? Have I checked in honestly, or am I assuming? Can I handle emotional consequences and not just romantic ones?”

Ultimately, the question is not whether such boundaries should exist, but whether they are acknowledged. Boundaries are not rigid rules. They are emotional agreements. “Friendships don’t usually end because someone dated an ex. They begin to shift when boundaries aren’t spoken about, discomfort goes unacknowledged, and emotional honesty is replaced by pretending everything is fine,” concluded Sharma.