‘The man is now tip-toeing…’: R Madhavan says modern men are confused about the right way to express chivalry, expert on navigating evolving definitions of courtesy

Madhavan added that “although they (men) don’t want to be offensive and want to be courteous and well-mannered, chivalry has been redefined now.” He further observed, “What I am trying to say is, the person you think is toxic might not actually be trying to be toxic. It might not have been his intention.”

So, how can men respectfully unlearn outdated social behaviours without feeling like their intentions are being misunderstood?

Gurleen Baruah, existential psychotherapist at That Culture Thing, tells indianexpress.com, “It depends on what is being labelled as ‘outdated.’ Opening doors, offering your seat, or walking someone to their car aren’t inherently problematic — what matters is the intention. If these gestures come from a place of genuine respect rather than performative masculinity or control, they’re often appreciated.” 

She continues, “But when someone says they find it uncomfortable, it’s not an attack, it’s a perspective. Instead of taking it personally, the work lies in self-reflection: Why do I do this? Is it about expressing care? Seeking approval? As social norms change, confusion is natural, but it’s also a chance to shift from seeking approval to finding your clarity. Real respect comes from being present and aware, not just the action itself.”

The best way to navigate the evolving definitions of chivalry 

According to Baruah, we tend to treat chivalry as a fixed moral code, but it’s not. It’s a cultural script that evolves. In today’s context, the focus is less on fixed gestures and more on responsiveness. “Instead of asking, ‘What’s the right thing to do?,’ the better question is ‘What feels respectful in this moment, with this person?’ Courtesy isn’t diminished by asking. In feminist psychology, we look at how well-meaning actions can still reinforce unequal dynamics if they’re habitual and unexamined. True respect is not about preserving tradition—it’s about co-creating safety and care, moment to moment,” states the expert. 

Distinguishing between genuine confusion and resistance to change 

When someone says, ‘Even opening doors has become offensive,’ it often reveals more about their internal discomfort than the culture itself. It may be projection, defensiveness, or unprocessed grief over losing familiar social roles. 

“Confusion is valid — but when it’s paired with curiosity, it leads to growth. Resistance, on the other hand, shows up as sarcasm, nostalgia, or framing change as absurd. The distinction lies in whether the person is willing to engage in dialogue, take feedback seriously, and stay open — even when it’s uncomfortable,” concludes Baruah.