All you need to know about ‘monkey-barring’, a toxic dating trend that involves manipulation and secrecy between partners

Some may use it as a form of emotional safety, while others may think it can help them avoid confrontation.

What is monkey-barring? (Source: Freepik)

3 min readNew DelhiSep 11, 2025 05:43 PM IST First published on: Sep 10, 2025 at 07:30 PM IST

Dating trends can sometimes reveal unhealthy relationship patterns, and one of the latest to get attention is ‘monkey-barring.’ The term may sound harmless, but it describes a behaviour that can leave deep emotional scars.

Monkey-barring refers to a harmful dating pattern in which a person maintains their current relationship while simultaneously pursuing a new romantic connection. The idea is similar to using monkey bars; they don’t release one bar until they have a secure hold on the next. Understandably, many view this as a form of betrayal. What makes it especially damaging is the secrecy and manipulation involved.

Some may use it as a form of emotional safety, while others may think it can help them avoid confrontation. Instead of having difficult breakup conversations, they look for an easier escape route.

So, how can someone build emotional resilience and learn to feel secure without needing a ‘safety net’ relationship?

Jai Arora, counselling psychologist and co-founder of Kirana Counselling, tells indianexpress.com, “Monkey-barring often grows out of a fear of loneliness and a need for constant reassurance. The world we live in, filled with social media, instant gratification, and dopamine hits, is also a substantial contributor to this.”

He continues, “The first step towards emotional resilience is learning to tolerate solitude rather than rushing to fill it. Small practices, such as journaling, therapy, or spending time alone at a café, can help someone realise they can self-soothe. Building resilience also comes from cultivating a life outside of romance; strong friendships, hobbies, and personal goals create a sense of stability. When your identity isn’t solely tied to being in a relationship, you’re less likely to cling to the next person out of fear.”

For those who have been on the receiving end of monkey-barring, what are the psychological effects?

Being replaced in this way can feel more painful than a breakup, Arora notes, because it adds a layer of betrayal to the loss. The person left behind may internalise feelings of inadequacy and experience lowered self-worth, trust issues, or even hypervigilance in future relationships.

Recovering involves recognising that the behaviour says more about the partner’s avoidance than their own worth. Arora suggests, “Processing the hurt in therapy, leaning on supportive friends, and permitting themselves to grieve without self-blame are important. Over time, gradual exposure to safe, transparent relationships can help rebuild trust.”

Steps individuals can take to have healthier and more honest conversations when they feel their relationship isn’t working

Arora states, “A large chunk of communication around such a sensitive topic is emotional regulation of the self, as being open, but one’s own vulnerabilities can be daunting.”

Before confronting a partner, self-reflection helps in clarifying what feels wrong. When speaking up, using clear, non-blaming language opens dialogue rather than defensiveness. “It’s also important to practice directness with compassion; ending things kindly but firmly is far healthier than stringing someone along,” concludes the expert.