‘Ladke rote nahi hai’: Unpacking the psychology of the ’emotionally unavailable’ man

What is often overlooked in the broader debate is their perspective. Why are men the way they are? What makes vulnerability feel risky? To find answers, we spoke to men and women across age groups. While women focused on the emotional gaps they experience, men opened up about fear, judgment, and the lifelong messaging that shaped their inner worlds.

What emerges is not a simple blame game but a complex portrait of how emotional expression strengthens or strains relationships.

The conditioning of strength

Women often point out that in India, masculinity has long been equated with stoicism. Boys grow up hearing phrases like “be strong,” “man up,” and, of course, “boys don’t cry”. These are not harmless cliches; they become internal rules.

For 22-year-old freelance filmmaker Prathamesh Prakash Hankare, the messaging began early. “Growing up, I was taught that men should be strong, composed, and in control, while showing sadness or vulnerability was seen as weakness. Phrases like ‘man up’ or ‘don’t cry’ reinforced the idea that softer emotions weren’t masculine, though anger was often accepted as strength,” he says.

He believes the issue is not that men feel less, but that they are given limited permission to express. “Men don’t process emotions differently in a biological sense. They feel just as deeply, but many are conditioned to express them differently. When sadness or fear is discouraged, they often get redirected into anger or withdrawal,” he explains.

Withdrawal, however, is often read by partners as detachment. Hankare admits he has been labelled distant. “I care deeply, but I tend to process emotions internally. While I don’t believe I’m distant by nature, I recognise that guarding my feelings can create space in relationships.”

Still, he sees change. “Men are becoming more emotionally open, but expectations are also changing quickly. Growth is happening, but adapting takes time and support,” he says.

‘Not all men are the same’

Rajan Nath, 30, pushes back against the sweeping generalisation that men are emotionally unavailable. “My take is simple—not all men are the same,” he says. “A lot of men themselves suffer emotionally just because they don’t know how to express.”

He reflects on personal experiences of showing up for loved ones emotionally but not finding the same support in return. That, he believes, complicates the narrative.

“Instead of saying men or women are more emotionally unavailable, I would say most people have now turned out to be emotionally unavailable even for themselves,” he says. “There are some men who don’t even know that they are suffering emotionally. If they start analysing their actions, they will realise they are,” he adds.

Nath argues that men may not always articulate feelings, but they often communicate through actions. In his view, presence can be silent but steady.

Adding to the chorus is Zaid Ahmed, 34, who reflects deeply on how early messaging shapes adult relationships. Growing up, he says, love was present at home, but emotional expression was not actively encouraged. “No one explicitly said, ‘Don’t feel,’ but the messaging was clear: Ladke rote nahi. Be strong. Don’t overreact. Handle it,” he shares.

If he fell, he was told to get up. If he cried, he was told to stop. Over time, Nath explains, you don’t stop feeling; you simply stop showing. Composure becomes currency. Strength earns respect. Vulnerability feels like excess.

Today, in relationships, that early conditioning lingers. “I want to feel safe being vulnerable,” he admits. “But it feels unfamiliar.”

Nath references attachment psychology, how early emotional dismissal can shape adult patterns of self-protection. “Sometimes I hesitate before sharing something heavy because there’s a quiet fear: will this change how I’m seen? Will I still be respected?” he says.

Are men emotionally unavailable (Photo: Freepik)

When vulnerability feels unsafe

For 44-year-old entrepreneur Shailesh K Nevatia, early socialisation left a lasting mark. “Men are told things like ‘be strong’ and ‘boys don’t cry’. Sadness and fear are seen as weaknesses, but anger is socially acceptable. These early lessons teach men to hide their feelings instead of showing them,” he says.

An introvert, Nevatia recalls being told bluntly that expressing emotions would invite ridicule. “You are born to be strong and rough. Emotions are not for you to express; people will laugh and call you a crybaby,” he says.

Ironically, his experiences have made him cautious about vulnerability. “For many people, if someone, especially a man, is emotionally available, they tend to take unnecessary advantage. I learned it the hard way. It’s not that important to be available emotionally always.”

Still, he acknowledges that openness is possible, under the right conditions. “Men are more likely to be open if their partner listens without judging and respects their emotional honesty. A lot of men would rather be quiet than risk feeling exposed without reassurance,” he adds.

What women want

If men speak of fear, women speak of fatigue. Kajal Sejwal, 22, describes a relationship where emotional openness felt selective. “When it came to family issues, he was very open, even crying when overwhelmed. But later I realised he would say, ‘I tell all my friends this.’ Anything that made him feel ‘not man’ was off limits,” she says.

To her, that wasn’t genuine vulnerability. “He wasn’t emotionally available. Any uncomfortable conversation was met with a mechanical or rude response. Whenever I needed a conversation, he would completely shut off,” she explains.

Her frustration is echoed by 28-year-old working professional Ishita Sood. “It feels like the emotional labour is completely on you, and I never had the willingness to go through it,” she says. For her, emotional maturity determines whether she enters a relationship at all.

Sood says she believes masculinity is often defined in opposition to femininity. “Most men only know that to be a man, you must not be like a woman. They reject empathy, which is just a basic human skill,” she says.

Her reflection poses a deeper question: “What is it to be a man? Is becoming a man about doing everything opposite to becoming a woman? Or is it a Venn diagram, where the common middle part between us is simply being human?”

Not every story reflects emotional distance, however. In 25-year-old Nishtha Kawrani’s case, her boyfriend is emotionally present. “Even when I try to hide my feelings, he senses them and gives me space. His presence and willingness to listen make a significant difference.”

For her, vulnerability strengthens bonds rather than weakens them. “Emotions are bound to surface, and expressing them in a healthy way strengthens relationships.”

Parenting, patriarchy, and patterns

However, for Mubasshera, 24, the issue stems from parenting. “Emotional communication is learned in teens and childhood. Parents are the reflective environment of that time,” she says.

She observes that boys are often comforted without being taught to reciprocate emotional labour. “Usually, men are showered with emotions from their mothers without needing to reciprocate, which may affect how they learn healthy communication,” she says.

Dr Pavitra Shankar, Associate Consultant–Psychiatry at Aakash Healthcare, warns that emotional suppression carries real consequences. “Men who suppress their emotions can cause a rift in their personal and professional lives. Partners may feel isolated and misinterpreted. Emotional barriers can spoil relationships over time,” she explains.

Many cope through avoidance, immersing themselves in work, hobbies, silence, or even alcohol. While these methods provide temporary relief, they prevent genuine processing.

Her advice is practical. “They can get rid of this label by practising self-awareness and small acts of vulnerability, journaling, talking about feelings, or going to therapy. These behaviours gradually build stronger bonds and more meaningful ties,” she explains.

Emotional intelligence, she emphasises, is a skill. And skills can be learned.