‘Humare gharon mein discipline ke naam par fear promote hota hai’: Nakuul Mehta on Indian parenting

To gauge the impact of phrases such as these, Dr Pavitra Shankar, Associate Consultant in Psychiatry, Aakash Healthcare, Dwarka, explains that these patterns may seem normal, but they can deeply shape a child’s emotional development.

Fear-based discipline creates long-term emotional stress

“Nakuul Mehta and Jankee Mehta brought to the fore a real concern that fear-based discipline causes chronic stress in children,” adds Dr Shankar. She says that when children are constantly disciplined through threats, intimidation, or emotional withdrawal, they may obey in the short term, but the emotional cost is much higher.

“Over time, it impairs emotional regulation, creates higher levels of anxiety, and decreases a child’s ability to be securely attached.” Instead of learning responsibility or self-awareness, children begin to associate authority with fear.

“While children may conform to fear of punishment, they will experience feelings of fear, creating an inhibition of expression, therefore a lack of confidence in decision-making and difficulty forming trusting relationships,” she adds.

 

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Why many children grow into people-pleasers

“Yes, fear-based parenting creates people-pleasing behaviour in children and often associates unconditional love with conditional approval,” says Dr Shankar. This means children may begin to believe they are only worthy of love when they perform well, behave perfectly, or meet expectations.

As adults, this can show up in unhealthy ways. “They tend to over-accommodate the needs and desires of others, fear rejection, and have a harder time setting boundaries,” she explains.

Breaking this pattern takes conscious effort.

“To re-learn the opposite of this trait, a child must seek therapy, become self-aware, and learn how to value themselves without seeking validation from anyone other than themselves.”

She adds that building self-confidence, assertive behaviour, a support system, and inner child work can help restore emotional independence over time.

The hidden damage of constant comparison

Dr Shankar says repeated comparison can quietly damage a child’s self-worth. “Comparison erodes the relationship a child has with their intrinsic value, which leads them to feel ‘never good enough.’”

Instead of recognising their own strengths, children start measuring themselves against others. “Comparison breeds sibling rivalry, resentment, and loss of identity. Instead of using their inner strengths and talents, children look for external validation.”

What healthy discipline actually looks like

“Discipline that is healthy is not based on fear; it is consistent, respectful, and explains things,” says Dr Shankar.

Healthy parenting involves setting clear boundaries, validating emotions, and teaching consequences rather than threatening punishment. “It means making clear rules, validating feelings, and teaching consequences instead of threatening punishment.”

She believes parents can shift by making small but meaningful changes—listening more, staying calm, and avoiding language that humiliates children. “Parents can change by giving them a listening ear, refraining from using language that makes them feel bad, and staying calm.”

This creates emotional safety. “Emotionally secure parenting encourages trust, enabling children to internalise values rather than merely responding to fear or authority.”