How blame-game between partners can ruin their relationship

Experts say that such blame-game not only yields nothing, it also makes both partners turn resentful. As a result, the problem intensifies with each holding the other responsible, rather than accepting their fault and looking for solutions. This is exactly what happened. The finger-pointing not only aggravated the issue but cemented it since there is also lot of hurt involved.

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“I felt miserable that she kept making it seem that it was my decision and that I had put pressure on her to come back to India. We had both spoken about it and if she disagreed she should have said it then and there rather than making it seem she came due to pressure from me,” says Aditya.

Counsellors say that couples should ensure that they are on the same page when it comes to major decisions concerning both. And once reached, there should be clarity about the consensus on the course of action, so that there is no scope to fix the blame and erode the very foundation of the relationship.

This is what happened with Soumya and Neeraj, whose marriage almost collapsed because they resorted to fixing blame for their tragedy than supporting each other. “Our child was admitted to the hospital and the doctor said that she was fine and we could take her home if we liked, but it would be better if they kept her there for one more day. Since my brother was leaving for the UK that night, I thought we could take our daughter home since she was better now. Neeraj and I spoke about it and decided that we could take her home,” Soumya said.

But when the baby died on the way home, they were shocked and devastated. But what was worse than the loss was the fact that each was holding the other responsible for the decision that proved to be so wrong. “I couldn’t bear his insinuations that it was because of me and my insistence that we lost our daughter. It broke me completely because the last thing I needed was to defend myself when the loss was equally traumatic for me,” she says.

Experts say when it comes to putting the blame, one almost always find it easier and convenient to make the other the scapegoat. But the problem is that you lose either way — whether you fix the blame or accept things and try and fix it.

That is why counsellors suggest that in a close and intimate relationship, it is important not to get defensive when the blame-game is on. It is equally important to understand why one feels the need to place the blame on the other and not accept that both partners were responsible for whatever happened.

Counsellors also warn that blame-game carries the risk of taking the fight to a much wider scale than necessary. It may trigger off with blaming the other for a specific thing but may spiral into a wider general issue, making it a power-keg ready to explode the relationship to bits.

Therefore, experts advise that it’s important not to get drawn into the vortex of pointing fingers at the partner but to try and keep things in perspective, so as to not jeopardise the relationship. Remember that once the ball of blame starts rolling there’s no stopping it. It’s best to behave like adults and talk things out once both o you have calmed down and are better placed to understand each other’s hurt and point of view.