‘Mother should raise her voice at the father’: Expert decodes Rani Mukerji’s comments that have sparked a debate on respect, boundaries, and what children learn at home

She went on to add, “So it all starts at home. Even a small thing like a father raising his voice at the mother shouldn’t happen. You know, the mother should raise her voice at the father, that’s how it should be.” Recalling an incident from her school days, she also shared, “Only one boy I slapped, and the rest of the boys were my friends. And just don’t go and ask my husband what happens to him every day at home.”

The remarks sparked sharp reactions online, with many questioning whether raising one’s voice, regardless of who does it, should ever be encouraged in a relationship. Some social media users criticised what they saw as normalising shouting, with comments such as, “Why would anyone raise their voice against anyone? Can’t we just talk about peace and having gentle conversation!,” and “Normalising shouting in a relationship — no matter who does it — is a strange hill to die on.”

But, is raising one’s voice an effective way to assert boundaries in a relationship?

“Raising one’s voice is generally not helpful in the long run,” stresses Gurleen Baruah, existential analyst at That Culture Thing, adding that It can create fear, defensiveness, and negative patterns rather than real understanding. “That said, we also need to be honest about human behaviour. When people feel hurt, ignored, or pushed past their limits, they do get triggered. Anger, sadness, and frustration sometimes come out as a raised voice.” 

She mentions that the work then is not to shame ourselves for that, but to learn self-regulation. Knowing your triggers, pausing before reacting, and choosing clarity over shouting takes practice. Healthy boundaries come from knowing yourself and communicating firmly but respectfully. And when you slip up, self-compassion matters too.

On children’s understanding of respect, communication, and gender roles later in life

Baruah states, “It really depends on the overall emotional climate of the home. Children can handle seeing parents disagree sometimes if there is warmth, repair, and safety around it. But when shouting, insults, or aggression are frequent, children tend to internalise it. Many start believing conflict equals danger, that loudness equals power, or worse, that they are somehow responsible. Over time, this can shape how they view respect, communication, and even gender roles. Some may grow up avoiding conflict entirely, while others may repeat the same patterns in their own relationships.”

Healthier ways couples can express disagreement 

According to Baruah, it starts with self-awareness. Knowing what triggers you and how your body reacts before you explode helps a lot. Taking a pause, breathing, or even stepping away before responding can prevent damage. 

“Choosing small, everyday practices like speaking slower, listening fully, and naming feelings instead of accusations builds safety. It’s not about being perfect. You will fail sometimes. What matters is noticing it, repairing it, and being kind to yourself while learning to do better,” concludes Baruah.