8 keys to handle break-ups and relationships mess

Relationships are an integral part of human life. As a professional counsellor and coach, I get a lot of opportunities to work with the ‘victims’ of relationships. It is very interesting to observe how ill-equipped smart people find themselves to handle a break-up. Well-educated and intelligent people seem to lack the emotional muscle to overcome relationship challenges. End of relationship is not the end of life. It is simply a time to close one chapter of your life.

Ask yourself the following things if you find yourself in a relationship mess:

It has happened or is it happening? The first thing is to understand the difference between what is happening and what has already happened. If the break-up has already ‘happened’ it means you cannot do anything about it. If ‘it is happening’ then it means you can do something about it to salvage the relationship. If you can still do anything about it then remember it is ‘break-up in progress’.

Can something be done? If the break-up is happening then you need to decide on two questions. Do I want to save the relationship? This question gives a lot of clarity. You need to ask yourself what good or harm the relationship is doing to you. Assess the situation practically and not emotionally. What am I willing to change or compromise to save the relationship? Every time you try to salvage a relationship, you must be open to change and compromise. Unless the person you love also wants to salvage the relationship as passionately as you do, you will be making a compromise. Remember compromise in itself is not good or bad, it is what you are compromising upon that makes it good or bad.

Unless the person you love also wants to salvage the relationship as passionately as you do, you will be making a compromise. (Source: Thinkstock Images)

Grow up because you are not the only one: If nothing can be done, then it is time to move on. What is most important to remember is that no matter how much you like to believe that your love-story is unique, in reality it is not. In 99% of the cases, the very first relationship does not work. In fact the purpose of first break-up is to turn you into a mature individual. Stop glorifying your love story or so called true love. It is the romantic movies and novels that over-glorify love stories. Every other kid in your college and colleague in your office has a similar love story. Do not cry over the same old story again and again. You never laugh at the same joke again, then why cry for the same break-up again and again.

Chase a goal, not just people: So many people let one relationship failure ruin their entire lives. They carry grudge and become cold or anti-social. We humans are always looking for meaning in our lives. And if we do not have a dream to chase, we will end up chasing relationships for happiness. Make sure that the foundation of your happiness is not relationships, because relationships are highly fluctuating in nature. Pursue a dream or a goal along with your relationship. Never sideline your career, for the sake of relationships because unsuccessful people cannot maintain great relationships. Balance is the key.

Do not date everyone: In your search to find the true one, do not try everyone. If you just got out of a messy relationship, take a break. Consolidate your learning and do not repeat the same mistakes. Do not be so desperate for a relationship, that you lose your sense of judgment. I always advise people to take a 6-12 months cool off period. There are some low moments in people’s life, when they will date anyone. Make sure you are strong during such moments and do not take decisions that you may regret later. You do not need five or six relationship failures to make you a mature individual, one is enough. If you are not happy alone, you will never be happy in a relationship.

Do not judge happiness of others by their relationships: Trust me you can never measure the happiness of other people. You can never truly know if single people are sad or those in a relationship are happy. Likewise there is no way you can know if a single individual is happy or a couple is unhappy, unless they tell you. Focus only on your happiness.

Get Busy in life: Make a list of 3-5 activities that make you happy- dance, photography, music, exercising, travel or reading. Or spend time with people who love you- parents, siblings, or friends. If nobody loves you, then adopt a pet but do not cry like a victim. Dedicate a couple of hours every day to these activities and see how quickly you will overcome your relationship mess. Depression is a disease that affects those people who have a lot of time to worry.

Get out of your problems by helping others: One of the best things you can do to solve your problem is to do something for others for which they cannot pay you in monetary terms. Go and visit an orphanage, an old age home or a school for the blind. You will realize how small your relationship problems truly are.

After few years you will be laughing at your break-ups, why not laugh now. Get over it and move on. Life is lived in the present moment to create a good future and not to brood over the past.

Siddhartha Sharma is a life-coach and a professional motivational speaker. His workshops and books have transformed over a million lives. His is the bestselling author of 5 books- Love Your Mondays and Retire Young, The Millionaire Entrepreneur, 60 Keys to Success with NLP, Mom I got the Job, and TGIM-Thank God It’s Monday. You can connect with him on his FB page or his website