When money comes in the way of love: coping with a pay gap in relationships

But money definitely shapes our relationships, right from the very beginning. “When people look for prospective partners to get married, or even just to date seriously, both genders look at what the other person earns. It’s subtle sometimes, but it’s there,” says Tvishi Sharma, RCI-registered clinical psychologist. And when one partner earns significantly more or less, the financial imbalance can make the relationship dynamics even more complex.

Cherry, 29, felt the gap between her and her partner the very first time she met him: “We decided to go to a fancy restaurant in Mumbai and decided to split the bill. The individual share of Rs 2,000 seemed a lot to me.” While both started with menial salaries, their responsibilities were different. Cherry was paying rent and medical bills, while her partner lived at his family’s home and got a monthly allowance from their business.

When couples talk about financial differences, it is rarely about the money itself and almost always about what the money represents for them, says Sharma. “These gaps often touch deeper things like safety, control, contribution, freedom… and a lot about identity,” she adds.

The power dynamics

Money, whether we like it or not, brings a quiet form of power into relationships. It might not be intentional, but it can become a measure to have the so-called upper hand, the final say.

Sharma notes that money shifts power dynamics in small, everyday ways that couples don’t always notice. “It changes how decisions are made. It influences lifestyle choices. The partner earning less can feel unfulfilled or not cared for, because they are the one adjusting more,” she adds.

The person earning less may feel that they have to justify any big expense — whether it’s shopping, travelling, or doing something for themselves — because they are not the primary earner. “So the thing around money is rarely about money, but about what that money actually decides for them,” Sharma says.

For Dawas (first name withheld on request), a Delhi-based creative professional, the income gap with his wife has affected his sense of independence and contribution to the relationship. While she brings in a monthly fixed income, his fluctuates. “Although I do not feel less masculine per se, but yes, if I have a haul of good business, I feel more masculine.”

This reversal of traditional gender norms can certainly be jarring. “For a man, self-worth often comes from what he is earning,” Sharma explains. Society reinforces this again and again — that a man is useful only as long as he is the financial provider. “The moment they aren’t able to, they may feel like no one gives them importance,” she says.

The quiet cost

Whether big or small, like the future you plan together, or day-to-day lifestyle choices, money quietly impacts all decisions.

When one partner wants a slightly expensive experience, the person who earns less often carries a kind of invisible weight. It may not necessarily be shame, but a subtle awareness that they are the one who can’t “do as much.” Even if their partner doesn’t care, the feeling creeps in during date nights, trips, gifts, or even arguments.

“There have been times when, as part of his birthday celebration, he took us to restaurants that were too expensive. So I try to make up for that cost by giving him expensive gifts when I can. He might not even look at the price tags, but it’s my imperfect way of trying to somehow find equilibrium monetarily. In one way or another, to get rid of the guilt I feel,” says Cherry.

“I also have been holding myself back from many experiences — like so many concerts or events we both love attending. I even order less costly things sometimes so that I don’t feel burdened,” she adds.

When asking for less, offering to “make it up” in other ways, or feeling guilty for simple pleasures, becomes a way of life, over time, this can create an emotional imbalance that’s harder to talk about than money itself.

Social media can complicate this balancing act of being in a relationship. We live in a time where lifestyle has somehow turned into a performance. Instagram shows you couples taking weekend trips, doing cute brunch dates, exchanging pricey gifts, “living their best life.” Even when you know it’s curated, it’s hard not to compare.

Money conversations also invisibilise other contributions that one makes in a relationship. Emotional labour, care work, keeping a home running, remembering the boring but important things, supporting each other through stress — none of these show up in a bank statement, but they hold relationships together. We have often seen our mothers, who traditionally have had to rely on their husbands for financial support, be sidelined because what they bring to the table doesn’t “bring in the big bucks.”

The balancing act

Besides income, one’s upbringing may also impact how they approach money. Some of us grew up watching our parents stretch every rupee and make spreadsheets for everything. Others saw money come and go without much planning. Some grew up in homes where money was never discussed, while others heard every argument about it through the walls.

“If a person comes from a safe household, where they have seen equality, where parents talk about money in a healthy way and offer emotional support alongside it, they carry that forward,” says Sharma. When someone grows up in a family that was always conscious about money, or there was instability or shame or no real communication about finances, it shows up later in how they spend, how they save, how anxious they get, and how they move in a relationship.

Cherry, whose family is conservative about spending, says it has made her feel more “uncomfortable” about money. She remembers a particular instance when her partner, in a moment of anger, said that he spends more on her monetarily. That changed everything for her. “Since then, I have become more sensitive. I paid him a big sum of money. I also make sure I keep a Splitwise account. I am okay if sometimes he doesn’t pay me, but I pay back whenever I can. Maybe I am being too cautious or hurt or defensive…” she adds.

She now splits everything 50-50 with her partner. “I have communicated to him clearly not to give me certain expensive gifts or anything because I know I won’t be able to afford them myself comfortably or give him gifts of a similar price range,” she adds.

For Dawas, marriage brought in bigger expenses like house rent and home expenses, and with it, more conversations about their respective contribution. He says they have started using an app to track each their expenses for home, so the arguments are about “real” expenses and not “how it feels” to either of them.

He adds that if there’s an imbalance, he makes up for it by spending more when he gets his next payment. “I sometimes take it from friends if required without telling her.”

But he also found himself cutting corners. “Sometimes I avoid certain plans, dodge conversations when I feel that it will lead to an expense, which will be expected from me, especially on the things I think can be delayed, or is just a fun activity for her, but not for me,” Dawas says.

Communication is the key

At some point, every couple that feels this financial gap has to figure out what to do with it. No one gets it right on the first go. But as they say, communication is key.

Cherry finds a safe space in her partner to communicate her feelings. “He has been understanding. Even during those one or two times when I felt bad because of how he spoke about money, he apologised and explained what he meant. He said that he doesn’t even expect me to pay him or anything… but still, because I can’t help but feel triggered or offended, I try to manage it.”

She adds, “We intend to learn better ways and rework things that might be creating an unnecessary barrier.”

While money doesn’t determine the success of a relationship, the conversations around it do. The only way to make it work would be to talk about finances without shame, without defensiveness, and without turning it into a measure of worth.