What expands us makes us stronger

Developing a taste for problems

Zahira was devastated at first, when she could not secure a scholarship to her dream college, but then quickly bounced back. Curious to understand this, I asked her, “How did you manage to do that?” She shrugged, “Life is messy, so rather than staying miserable all the time, I am learning to develop a taste for problems.”

This conversation struck me because that very morning, I had met another young man, Rohan, who had completed his undergraduate and master’s degrees at an Ivy League college and was finding it impossible to get a job. Zahira added, “From the time we are little, there is so much pressure for us to be happy all the time and not have any problems. Instead, children should learn that sh*t happens, deal with it.”

In our privileged world, we are constantly trying to curate our lives and our children’s lives in a way that minimises discomfort. Apps can run our homes, chauffeur us around, get our shopping done in under 10 minutes, entertain us, and more. Not to forget AI, our complicated butler, whom we have outsourced our thinking to and rely on to get through the knottiness of everyday life. Are we being sold a myth about how our lives are easier, better, smoother? In a world where there is so much uncertainty due to rising unemployment, growing hatred and polarisation, not facing the problems and developing a taste for them is like sticking our metaphorical heads in the sand and waiting for the storm to pass.

In our privileged world, we are constantly trying to curate our lives and our children’s lives in a way that minimises discomfort. (Source: Freepik)

People will continue peopling

Neena lost her father at a very young age, and she and her mother spent most of her childhood and youth carrying their poverty and grief from one relative’s home to another. When I met her, she was married and had come for help for what she called “rage attacks” towards her daughter. As we spoke, she shared that she still held a lot of resentment towards her relatives, though she recognised how this victimisation was like “hot coals that were burning her relationship with her daughter.” I invited her to bring her mother and daughter to the next session.

Neena’s mother had been rejected by her family when she married a Dalit, but after his death, she had to turn back to them for help, though, “Bahut taane diye, bahut bura bhala kaha.” When I asked her, “How did you not take their hate to your heart?” she quoted a line from a song from Amar Prem, “Kuchh to log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna.” She explained that we can spend our lives stacking up injustices and holding on to what we see as justified anger. But like Neena’s hot coals they can only burn us and the people we love the most. At this point, her 15-year-old granddaughter piped up, “Nani, this is just like the dialogue from Materialists. People are people are people are people. They come as they are.”

Three generations of women laughed together. Something softened in the room. Since then, “people will continue peopling” has become a principle I live by and share widely. It’s striking how immediately this wisdom lands with so many.

What expands us makes us stronger

“What is the point of all this?” Rohan wondered at his predicament, “All I remember from my childhood is preparing for what was expected of me. As if my only purpose was to get into an Ivy League and make my parents and school proud. Now, after six years of the best education anyone can get in the world, I am still unemployed and depressed.” I asked Rohan what advice he would give to parents, teachers and children in school. He thought for a moment and then said, “Let children explore what excites them, what energises them, what interests them.” A few weeks ago, when I met Rohan again, he told me he was planning to work with a friend who arranges treks in the Himalayas. He was animated as he explained their plans, and as he left, he said with a big smile, “I was the so-called success story in school, and this friend was dismissed as the loser. So ironic it took me such a long time to understand that what expands me makes me stronger.”

As we turn into the new year, I hope we learn to dance with the problems, accept that people will continue peopling, and do what excites us and energises us. Because strength grows in places we allow ourselves to expand.

In this column, Shelja Sen curates the knowhow of the children and youth she has the honour of working with. Email her at shelja.sen@childrenfirstindia.com