Ready

Cast:Salman Khan,Asin,Paresh Rawal

Rating: *

The best part of ‘Ready’ has been playing on your TV screen every few seconds for the past month. The rambunctious item number certifies that Salman’s character is ‘dheela’,but I can certify that that it is the only part of the film that is tight enough to boost an Anees Bazmee special. And it’s gone in the first few minutes; the rest is all consistently,severely south.

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The trouble with ‘Ready’,a remake of the same film made in several South Indian languages,is not that it doesn’t have any plot or any sense. We do not expect those to be the prime movers in a Bazmee line-up. But what really kills this film is that its nonsense is neither inventive nor high energy. A massively buff,looking-his-age Salman doing his thing— thrusting the pelvis,puffing the pectorals,plumping a shiny,waxed chest — is not enough. After being thoroughly awake to his ‘chulbula’ cop part in ‘Dabangg’,Salman is back in sleepwalking-through-the-flick mode,flashing the familiar turquoise bracelet,mumbling his mumble. He’s surrounded by a bunch of uninteresting co-stars,who yell and scream and tumble around minus direction. And minus any fun: how many times can you use a loud fart as a comic device?

In other set-pieces,intending to be funny,and succeeding in being supremely not so,this is what is laid out. Large noisy families belonging to Prem ( Khan) and Sanjana ( Asin) including ‘chachas,’chachis,’maamas’,’maamis’,a white-haired ‘dadaji’,an obnoxious young fellow who likes to slap hapless fellows on the head. A very tall hood with long dreadlocks and a fixed snarl. A couple of saffron-clad ‘swamis’ who talk of ‘kuttiyas’ ( female dogs) with relish,directing it at a certain section of the audience that is sure to find the word funny,especially when it is used in conjunction with other women. And a stream of invective,gushing out like projectile vomit. Offensive? Of course it is. But this is the kind of film which is so filled with such things,it’s pointless even to point them out.

I had some hopes that Asin would liven up the proceedings,like she did in ‘Ghajini’. But here she comes off like a cut-rate Sridevi,with the same kind of squeaky delivery,but without the sparkle or the spunk. It also doesn’t help that she appears in terrible make-up throughout,and oh my god,those clothes. Why is she coming from London to Bangkok,where this film appears to be set? Why Bangkok? No one knows. No one cares.

shubhra.gupta@expressindia.com