A Bloody Mess

CAST: Shiney Ahuja,Sayali Bhagat

Rating: *1/2

Halfway through Ghost,Shiney Ahuja’s character says: this has got to be some sort of joke. That sounds like a perfect tagline for this film,except the joke is on us,the audience. The only way to get through it is to see the funny side of it all,and laugh the ghastliness away.

Shiney Ahuja plays a sleuth named Vikram Singh,who switches from a Merc convertible to a high end motorcycle,to get to where he’s sent. That’s because he’s very rich,see. No one tells us exactly why this wealthy fellow does menial stuff like investigating murders. But maybe Mr Ahuja,who’s back on screen after a gap,wanted to don long black trenchcoats,the preferred garb of all Bollywood sleuths. Or,he was a beggar and not a chooser. Singh fetches up at a hospital where violent deaths are being reported. There’s blood in the crevices. And a gory sight dotting every shadowy corridor. Morgues are places not only where the dead are stacked,but where butchers are commissioned to employ their cleavers. Body parts,stuffed in sacks,and disposed off. Says Singh’s sidekick: sir,this looks like a crime of passion. Save me.

Wait,Singh is not just the guy who’s after the killers. He’s also a victim. That’s right. Some years back,a knock on the head rendered him unconscious. But all it takes Doctor Suhani (Bhagat) is one searching look to declare that he has “retrograde amnesia”. By now,I’m cracking up. Retrograde amnesia belonged to the bad 80s,when the heroine’s yaadaasht would come and go. Much mirth has already been generated by a red-eyed creature with floating white hair,and sharp long talons,who likes yanking hearts out of bodies. Yuck.

The person who’s dreamt up this story also appears to be some kind of religious conspiracy theorist. That’s the kindest thing we can say. A nurse named Mary Magdalene (the surname is conveniently blipped out: Magdalene,get it?) is found crucified near a church after being brutalised. Just like Jesus,intones the bad guy. By this time,I’m hanging in there by sheer grit. What follows is an unending chase between the evil spirit,which is not really an evil spirit,and not even a proper ghost,and the baddies,and. But you really don’t want to know,trust me.