Handle With Heart: Why Being a Stepmom Is the Toughest Balancing Act

For Saaz Aggarwal, home meant navigating the morning chaos of three children — one she entered the marriage with, and her husband Ajay’s two from his first. Married in 1993, Saaz was 31 then; their son was five, and the girls were both turning seven, born just two months apart.

“Bringing up three kids is a lot of work.The children had lost their mother, and it had been a time of loss and struggle for them and their father. I remained aware of this but never dwelt on it, just stayed focussed on making daily tasks cheerful.” says Saaz who became the new ‘mom’ in their orbit.

“I’d been a single parent for a while before I married Ajay,” Saaz says. “I knew that if I ever entered a long-term commitment again, it would only be with someone who had children of their own – someone who understood what it’s like to have a part of your mind constantly occupied by your child. Ever since I was young, I’ve believed that family bonds can be created through caring and effort; they don’t have to be biological.”

‘Love that felt wholly earned’

A well-known writer, Saaz penned in her blog The Songbird On My Shoulder about life’s tender complexities. In one post, she described how each child brought a distinct rhythm into her world — Aman, with his open affection and humour, making love easy and proving how healing takes shape in everyday moments; Ekta, with her quiet, aching realism, reminding her that not every story needs fixing — some just need living; and Veda, balancing the enormous changes in her life.

A well-known writer, Saaz often turns to her blog to make sense of life’s tender complexities. (Express Photo)

“Together, they transformed my life — a home built on belonging, hard work, and love that felt wholly earned,” says Saaz, who believes in karmic relationships. “They come to you one way or another.”

Today, the three children — now in their thirties — live independently, their bond with Saaz steady and warm, grounded more in friendship than in the roles they once played.

Across continents, Sunita Malhotra was finding her own rhythm in a different kind of blended family. A Pune-based management consultant who travelled the world before settling in Belgium, she married Wim Claasen, a Dutchman with two daughters from his previous marriage. Unlike Saaz’s story, their biological mother was very much around. “So, the girls had two homes and two mothers,” Sunita says. “And that comes with its own diplomacy training.”

‘You have to respect there is already a mother in the picture’

The girls were toddlers when she married Wim, and Sunita instinctively knew she was stepping into tender territory. “Being the ‘second mom’ is tricky,” she says. “You want to help, to guide — but you also have to respect that there’s already a mother in the picture.” She decided her role would be about adding balance, not authority. Wim handled the big parenting calls — academics, career choices — while she offered support in the smaller, everyday ways: helping them stay organized, listening when they needed to talk, and simply being there without judgment.

“Parenting is hard enough when the child calls you ‘Mum.’, harder when she calls you by your first name! Then actually it’s more like friendship,” she laughs. “The girls call me Sunita — and I’ve grown to love that.” Years of managing multicultural teams perhaps helped her read silences as much as words. But even for a seasoned professional, parenting in a new country meant learning afresh — where affection had to be earned, and boundaries were both fragile and vital.

One of the defining choices in her life was the decision not to have children of her own. “Sabine, the elder one, was very uncomfortable in the beginning — she feared she’d be forgotten if we had a baby,” Sunita recalls. “Florence, the younger one, was more easy-going. But I felt, deep down, that our family was complete as it was.”

Over the years, shared rituals became their glue — cooking together, shopping together, and travelling as a family. “Nothing connects like exploring the world together,” she says with a smile. “Making memories that last forever.”

In time, Sunita found a rhythm that married her Indian instincts with Belgian sensibilities. (Express Photo)

In time, Sunita found a rhythm that married her Indian instincts with Belgian sensibilities — caring deeply without hovering, guiding without imposing. “In India, we parent by presence; here, you parent by permission,” she says. “It’s about knowing when to step in, and when to step back.”

Today, as the elder daughter navigates motherhood, Sunita finds herself promoted to grandmother — “a title I earned, not inherited,” she smiles.

If there’s a common thread between these two women, it’s their quiet resilience — the grace to hold space in someone else’s story without demanding the spotlight. Both found that love, in blended families, is less about declarations and more about dailiness — showing up, listening, not taking adolescent/ teenage moods personally and adapting mutually to each other. And that might just be the secret to happy homes everywhere.

Neha Rathod is an intern with The Indian Express.