Babies are brought by the stork, the decadent West teaches us, and this very faith in reproductive assistance from random avian fauna may explain their decadence. Fortunately, our ancient civilisation left nothing to chance, and it only remains to codify and institutionalise its knowledge for guaranteeing better, fairer, taller and smarter offspring. The Garbh Vigyan Sanskar (Uterus Science Culture) project of the health wing of the RSS is working on it, and hopes to have thousands of ideal infants on the production line by 2020.
But its protocol is surprisingly Semitic. Parents apparently have small, dark babies because they are impure, but purification is fortunately a simple, protocol-driven process tied to the lunar calendar. Prospective parents should copulate by astrological schedule and watch what they ingest, hear and think. Thus they will clean up the chromosomes in their gametes, and the original sin tattering the telomeres.
Let us, too, untatter our thinking. Let us accentuate the positive. The rise of strapping Germanic heroes and Rhinemaidens in India would annihilate the Rs 3,000-crore fairness cream industry, a national embarrassment. The West will have one excuse less to laugh at us. And the Uterus Science protocol forbids intercourse after childbirth, which is apparently lethal for parents. Let us marvel at the benefits for family planning: The population growth rate must plummet whether parents follow the regimen or not. If they don’t, they’ll die and the population will fall even more steeply. If a foolproof way has been found for conceiving Aryan god-tier babies, why isn’t the ministry of AYUSH providing a firm push already? Maybe because the project can’t go the last mile. What is the use of having tropicalised baby Siegfrieds and Gunthers if they aren’t blue-eyed? Sadly, new paleo-gentic research suggests that the proto-Indo Europeans were mostly dark-eyed. What a downer, baby.