First, congratulations on your fantastic victory. Fantastic. Yuuuge. Almost as fantastic, yuuuge, amazing, tremendous as my defeat of that nasty woman last year. Believe me, you will never get bored of winning. Winning is great. Winning is fanta. I’ve been watching you on TV. That’s what I do. Watch TV. Just to see what I look like from the other side. I’m too much on TV — and they can’t get enough of me! First, I watch fake news on CNN and then alternative facts on Fox News. They’re great. Just great, like we’re gonna make America great again. Especially since that bimbo Megyn Kelly left them. She’s a lightweight. A total disaster.
Once I am bored of watching myself on TV over my TV dinner — when Melania, that beautiful, classy woman is in New York, I have to chew on that and whatever those morons at CNN dish out on cable news — I switch to TV news from across the world, including India. I think Indian TV news is doing a terrific job. Just terrific. The coverage they give you? Tremendous. You’re the only world leader other than me who is always on TV; well, maybe Vladimir on RT (Russian news channel) but others like that immigrant-loving Merkel — she let in the Mexicans, criminals, drug dealers, rapists — and the Frenchie who has the name of another country, Hollande? They’re losers. Total losers. TV news doesn’t waste time on them. Smart. So smart.
But you, you are on TV whenever I watch Indian news. All of last weekend, after your terrific victory. The week before in Vara whatever. And the one before that. Believe me, you’re one lucky hombre. Such amazing coverage. Amazing. They broadcast all your speeches live, they never interrupt you, ask you questions, they don’t criticise you or tell lies. Not like the failing New York Times and CNN or that other beauty, BBC (bunch of bumbling cretins). Your news channels praise you, love you. Look how they described your brilliant victory in the polls: “Modi Tsunami Sweeps”, “Tsunamo”, “Modi juggernaut”, “Modiwave”, “NaMoStar”, “NaMoStan”, “NaMoIsDominant”, “NaMoForNewIndia”, “Modi, Modi, Modi”. The losers in our media? Totally out of control. Totally. When I say, “America first”, they ask if America will last that long.
We need to drain the swamp in the American media. We’re taking care of it, me and Spicer. We’re taking care of it. It’s tremendous. Just tremendous. Like your media. I want TV news like yours. They don’t laugh or mimic you. You don’t have Alec Baldy trying to be you — unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny. Sad. Your TV channels don’t have talk shows, only that homo-sapien, what’s his name, Karan drinking Koffee (is that how you spell it in India?) — a total lightweight. Total. Talking to film stars who don’t even know the name of the President of India. Amazing. Not like that overrated actress here who uses award ceremonies to criticise me. She’s a real striptease, that Streep. Such a zero.
The other thing I like about your news channels? Can’t hear a word. Not one. On Friday night, I watched you Saturday morning live for the election results — I like watching election results since November— on news channels and everyone was shrieking, at the same time. Couldn’t understand a word, what with that Indian accent like you’re singing La La Land. No offence, you know I am a big fan of Hindu — huuuge — but it’s difficult even for me and I’m a really smart person.
It’s the same on all your channels: Yell, shout, scream, abuse each other. That’s great. That’s beautiful. Because no one can hear what is being said. On American TV, everyone is politically correct, speaks slowly, clearly, so that all the fake news by those dishonest people can be heard in every American home. Bad. Sad. A joke.So, Nar-en-dar bai, come visit us at the White House, bring your news channels along as a gift. In return, I’ll give you lifelong membership to Mar a Lago where you can play golf with your old buddy Barack — I’ll invite him ‘cos I’m actually a nice guy — who has nothing to do since he and the Democrats are done wire-tapping me. Basket of deplorables. Oh, that’s Crooked Hillary’s line.