A coaching class for politicians

Go slow on nationalism. Don’t make us hang our heads in shame.

Written by Keki N. Daruwalla | Updated: October 21, 2016 5:44 pm
nationalism, politicians in india, indian politicians, cricket, sunil gavaskar, IPL, fifties crickleters, mid wicket, jack hobbs, bert sutcliffe, cricket coach, maneka gandhi, life coach, politician coaching, tamil nadu politics, amma politics, congressm BJP, badal, punjab elections, up elections, mewat, modi politics, indian express news, indian express opinion, Keki N. Daruwalla All walks of life need a coach.(Illustration by: C R Sasikumar)

We all need coaching. When I bowled the outswing, I and others of my vintage who played cricket in the fifties kept the shining side of the ball facing the slips. Now, I am told, it is the other way around. That’s how you get reverse swing. No one told us. If you want to play the IPL, you better forget about the incline of the left elbow. You can’t hit towards mid-wicket or long-on if you are gonna be thinking of your left elbow, buddy — my apologies to Jack Hobbs, Bert Sutcliffe and Sunil Gavaskar.

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All walks of life need a coach. You must move with the times. If you drive a tonga, you need to be told you can’t whip your underfed nag the way you used to. Maneka Gandhi’s followers will get you. If you are in accounting, the coach will tell you that you better take a crash course in double book-keeping, or none of our big industrial houses will employ you. Going into banking, are you? Take a lesson in geography, kid. Know where the Channel Islands are, and the Bahamas, and of course, the Alps. If into importing, you must know how to juggle invoices. (Why ain’t there outvoices in this lucrative import-export business, I’d like to know?)

Listen guys, I am going to enter this bijness of opening a coaching class for politicians. Hope it brings me money. The coaching will be on the following lines:

Rule 1: Read, but decent stuff. Avoid the party line like the plague — Amma-worship in Tamil Nadu, 10 Janpath-worship in Congress, bowing to the Badals in the cloud cuckoo land that is Punjab, Modi-worship in the BJP — the youth is getting as addicted to it as the Punjabi is getting hooked on cannabis. No one is infallible.

Rule 2: Don’t get swayed by slogans: Garibi hatao of the original Mrs Gandhi, reform, perform and transform, sabka saath, sabka vikas of the present day. Sabka saath? You can inspect biryanis, but can you inspect a prasad? And don’t forget that the holy grail of the “socialistic pattern of society” only succeeded in bringing the middle class closer to the poverty line. If you fall prey to slogans, it shows there is no depth to you. Look at a slogan as if it was the pitch of an insurance agent or a conman selling potency drugs.

Rule 3: If you have nothing better to read, browse through a party manifesto, but never believe in it. Can you ever renege on Article 370? It is a constitutional impossibility.

Rule 4: Know your limits, you can’t flout the courts. If you do, there will be anarchy. Give the water to the lower riparian. Study the international laws that govern water rights of riparian states. The foremost duty of the state is to keep anarchy away.

Rule 5: Don’t drive out Pakistani actors each time there is a bomb blast in our streets or an attack on Pathankot.

Rule 6: Don’t waste your time changing names. Let Delhi be Delhi and not Moti Lal Nehru Nagar or Deen Dayal Upadhyaya Nagar or Indraprastha. But let me backtrack a bit. Change the names of Indira Chowk and Rajiv Chowk. CP is a circle, not a square, which is what a chowk is. Let’s get back to CP.

Rule 7: Don’t lead self-styled “backward” communities up the garden path. Don’t, for God’s sake, tell the Jats in Haryana, Gujjars in Rajasthan, Patidars in Gujarat and now Marathas in Maharashtra that you will give them reservation. You know you can’t. The courts will strike down your duplicitous bill passed by the assembly. You can’t have more than 50 per cent reservation — thank God. And how about doing away with reservations — especially for the backwards? Seventy years of independence and they are still backward? Think about it.

Rule 8: Be gentle with hide-flayers. In Banaskantha, they are beaten up for not removing a cow carcass. In Una, they are flogged on the spurious charge that they killed a cow to skin it, when actually a lioness had killed the cow. Check your hooligans — that is what the prime minister called them.

Rule 9: Now we come to the serious stuff. We talked of slogans, remember? Nationalism is our war cry these days. “Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai”. Go slow on nationalism — it is not a much valued concept anymore. Go slow on Ram Prasad Bismil. To quote Charles de Gaulle: “Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first.” Nationalism is no big deal, remember.

Rule 10: And move away from your patriarchal complacency. Change your practices. No touching the feet of your male chauvinist husband on Karwa Chauth. Why not a kick on the fellow’s behind instead? And don’t make stupid statements about women’s attire or make-up to justify rape. Politicians, so-called long-robed “saints” and police chiefs do that all the time. Lately, the chief minister of Haryana stated that the murder and rape of two girls in Mewat (Muslim girls, mind you) was a trivial matter. The real big thing in the offing was the swarn jayanti (golden jubilee) of Haryana as a state. Don’t embarrass us citizens of India, Mr Khattar. Don’t make us hang our heads in shame.

Daruwalla is a poet and writer

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  1. J
    Jim
    Oct 10, 2016 at 1:41 pm
    Stupid article by a loser who really didnt do that much and is now lecturing
    Reply
    1. O
      Ordinary Indian
      Oct 10, 2016 at 2:17 pm
      ic article
      Reply
      1. O
        Ordinary Indian
        Oct 10, 2016 at 2:17 pm
        Meaningless naysayer.
        Reply
        1. S
          Sanjay Singh
          Oct 10, 2016 at 9:09 am
          Your rule 5 ??????????? Just to support stan you wrote so much!
          Reply
          1. R
            Rahul.SHARMA
            Oct 10, 2016 at 1:23 am
            Daruwalla, true to his traditional profession has written this article while drunk.
            Reply
            1. V
              Vikrant
              Oct 10, 2016 at 8:46 am
              The lecture on nationalism is coming from those who never considered India as a nation. Who acted as British agents during feeedom struggle. Their support to jihadis and namxals is well known. Who would always talk about ills of hinduism but never open a word about Islam and Christianity. Ever heard any freedom of speech in a Commie country?
              Reply
              1. S
                Surya
                Oct 10, 2016 at 4:34 am
                Simply Fantastic.
                Reply
                1. A
                  Alankar
                  Oct 10, 2016 at 10:47 am
                  India (read Hinduism) went down in 7th Century, as doors were tightly closed for outside influence. Homogeneity led to a stale society. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; 7 centuries later Moghuls could easily capture Bharatvarsh.
                  Reply
                  1. S
                    selvam
                    Oct 10, 2016 at 4:07 pm
                    Parsis have been most loyal and patriotic community. So many names in Science, Industry, Sports, philanthropists..... lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; It is not appropriate to frame them in false propaa.....
                    Reply
                    1. A
                      Anon
                      Oct 10, 2016 at 5:30 pm
                      "Lately, the chief minister of Haryana stated that the murder and r*pe of two girls in Mewat (Muslim girls, mind you) was a trivial matter."lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;In the MYTH of tulsi, vishnu apparently disguised himself as her husband and took away her chasy *wink*. In English it is called, r*pe.lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;No wonder that $%#* of a CM found it to be a trivial matter. That kind of "activity" is ingrained in all chaddi $^#@%.
                      Reply
                      1. A
                        AlsoIndian
                        Oct 10, 2016 at 6:03 am
                        And when I say this, I know that they will ask me to go to stan.
                        Reply
                        1. A
                          AlsoIndian
                          Oct 10, 2016 at 5:59 am
                          Well said!lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;I would add one more pointlt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;Rule No. 11lt;br/gt;Remove religion (names, symbols, identifies, invocations, prayers, pujas, meditations etc.) from politics. Let be a personal affair.lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;And yes, Swachch Bharat will not cleanse us of our ugly mindset.lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;True nationalism is not in chanting Bharat Mata ki Jai or Vande Mataram, but bring this nation out the rut that we are living in. lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;These are not our problems and solving is not NATIONALISM:lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;In India (Not in stan or Bangladesh)lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;• 3500 children die each day due to malnutrition.lt;br/gt;• 774 million people live without adequate sanitation facilities. lt;br/gt;• Around 140,000 children die every year due to diarrhea in India.lt;br/gt;• 6.3 million cases of TB were reported to the World Health Organization (WHO) worldwide — a quarter of these cases from India, the highest in any country.lt;br/gt;• India is top in the world in modern day slaverylt;br/gt;• India (not Saudi Arabia) is the worst country (after Mexico) for women to live in among the G20 nationslt;br/gt;• India is having the highest number of child labours in the world, lt;br/gt;• India is having the highest potion in the world living below poverty linelt;br/gt;• India has the highest number of stunted children as a consequence of malnutritionlt;br/gt;• India is the only country that has continued collective subjugation and slavery of Dalits for millenniums....lt;br/gt;• India has 13 of the 20 most polluted cities in the world.lt;br/gt;• India has 5 out of the 10 most polluted rivers in the world - holy Ganga included.lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;Only solving these problems is nationalism. lt;br/gt;lt;br/gt;Everything else is hypocricy.
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                          1. A
                            Ashwani
                            Oct 10, 2016 at 11:04 am
                            Order of the day is to remove all signs of Nehru, Indira, Rajiv from the land of Bharata. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; Cow will protect Indian society . Combo pack of Bhagwat - Modi make India free from anything that is not mentioned in our Vedas, Upnishads and Manu Smriti.
                            Reply
                            1. A
                              A.Murali Krishna
                              Oct 10, 2016 at 5:54 am
                              Nationalism is very important in Indian context. We are a fragmented society with religions, castes, sub-castes, languages, plethora of political parties and a democratic nation. So, speak nationalism to get earhthed and to catch roots. Why terms and conditions to be applied? We need coaching cles for the people who show indifference to nationalism.
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                              1. B
                                Babu Gupta
                                Oct 11, 2016 at 11:51 pm
                                Mr Daruwala wrote this article after drinking a lot of Daru (or his own..)
                                Reply
                                1. I
                                  Indian First
                                  Oct 10, 2016 at 7:28 am
                                  Sir..Sarfaroshi ki tamanna is not written by Ramprasad Bislmil.. it's by Bismil Azimabadi. Please correct.
                                  Reply
                                  1. B
                                    Bhagwat Goel
                                    Oct 10, 2016 at 4:42 am
                                    WHY SLOW ON NATIONALISM? YOU COME OUT MR DARUWALA AS A TRAITOR.
                                    Reply
                                    1. B
                                      brar
                                      Oct 10, 2016 at 5:06 am
                                      An other stealthy antinational identified.
                                      Reply
                                      1. A
                                        Ajay
                                        Oct 10, 2016 at 3:43 pm
                                        Politicians alone are not to be blamed for each and every thing. lt;br/gt;It is from within you and me that politicians emerge. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; Insecure, intolerant and self oriented.
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                                        1. G
                                          Gurvinder
                                          Oct 11, 2016 at 2:00 am
                                          Modi's team and his foot soldiers must take this coaching. They badly need it. Country may turn into Hindu stan if we don't wake up to it. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; There is not even a single achievement of this government to boast about.
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                                          1. B
                                            Burman
                                            Oct 10, 2016 at 12:09 pm
                                            Daruwala can comfortably enjoy his drink. India is a diverse nation and capable of taking care of it. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; Legislative is not the only pillar on which democracy stands. Consutional provisions are there to put a stop on populism. lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; lt;br/gt; If BJP gets majority also in upper house, it becomes de facto voice of Nation.
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