New Year resolutions

Individuals and issues that are making and shaking news.

Written by Dilip Bobb | Updated: January 9, 2014 9:39 pm

It’s a new year,time to ring out the old,ring in the new,and not just the latest cellphone,but a list of resolutions for 2014. Even politicians,notoriously reluctant to change,are getting into the act,with some even spearheading new year revolutions. In the prevailing spirit of transparency,here is an exclusive look at what some of those resolutions are:

Arvind Kejriwal: To find a way to get rid of all these cameras and reporters who have become like a large extended family,extending their microphones into my face and generally impeding progress,both mine and the state’s. They were useful when I asked them to capture the movement but have taken it literally,following me even to the bathroom. That is certainly not what I meant. I’m only a humble aam aadmi,but I may need a disguise to avoid these pests. Maybe I ought to take lessons from Manmohan Singh — he’s the prime minister,but manages to make himself quite invisible.

Harsh Vardhan: A pledge to be less harsh on the AAP because between me and Nitin Gadkari,we are sounding like a case of sour grapes. Of course I have a good case for being sore (not becoming chief minister),but the real problem is that thanks to that damn Kejriwal and the Congress,we have been denied minuscule perks like heavy security,red beacons,government cars,huge bungalows,traffic-free roads,sycophants,files to sign and favours to give. It’s a long list and 15 years is a long time,but my new year resolve is to get used to just being an aam aadmi.

Rahul Gandhi: That chap used a broom. I intend to use a vacuum cleaner to get rid of the cobwebs,corruption,cronyism,and suck out the poison from the beehive. It’s not enough to rail against corrupt dealings when it can get derailed by savvy politicians with high-rise ambitions. To quote my great grandfather’s favourite poet,I have miles to go,promises to keep,ordinances to tear,a sleeping giant to awaken,and,by Jupiter,there’s no time for sleep.

Akhilesh Yadav: To change my image,after the trashing I’ve got from the media,and my father,over some minor issues,like Muzzafarnagar and minorities,and something called governance (whatever that means). My resolution is to get rid of all these rival camps that are impeding progress by making a big song and dance about non-performance,and devote more time to serious issues,like festivals of song and dance.

Narendra Modi: I resolve to regain my prime time slot on news channels which has been taken away by that fellow in the funny hat. He is a false prophet since he has taken help from the Congress,led by someone called Lovely. That just shows they are making utopian promises to fool the people,just like Nehru,and his daughter,and her son,and daughter-in-law,and her son,have done for all these years. I take a pledge to get back my prime position on the 9 o’clock news in 2014,preferably a pledge taken during the swearing-in at Rashtrapati Bhavan.

M S Dhoni: I’d like to start the new year in New Zealand with a bang,quite a few bangs in fact,since all my fellow stars are misfiring. If it gets any worse,my new year resolve could be to start working on my farewell speech.

Manmohan Singh: My fellow Indians,sab theek hai.

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