1. I am thy God, thou shalt have no other gods but me, no images or likenesses unless it’s someone with the same hallowed name, and what is a more hallowed name in India than Gandhi? For any clarifications or assurances, thou shalt approach Mani Shankar Aiyar or Digvijaya Singh.
2. Thou shalt suspend all those who blaspheme against our leaders, for they are people who bear false witness. The Congress Bible contains no such word as “joker”. In Ephesians chapter 5 verse 4, it merely says ‘let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving’. So I say to all followers, thanks for being so forgiving.
3. Thou shalt not accept resignations, offer resignations, or demand resignations, for mine is the kingdom and the power to reject resignations, even if that resignation is mine own. All others shalt be resigned to their fate. I repeat a famous proverb, ‘If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you…’. I say unto you, keep your head, also known as the party president.
4. Thy shalt honour the Holy Trinity, the Mother, Son and Holy Ghost (a.k.a Priyanka), for they are the wind beneath your wings, the honey in the beehive, the escape velocity behind women, children, Dalits and the minorities and marginalised, even if they are the ones who have left us all marginalised.
5. Reject all the false prophets who are spreading falsehoods about our future and writing our epitaph in lengthy op-ed newspaper columns and television debates. Our future is assured under the leadership of the Son who sacrificed so much in the noonday sun, and still emerged smiling happily in the face of defeat, and in front of TV cameras.
6. When in doubt, fall back on the Bible, for it oft contains all the answers, hidden in parables. In Corinthians, chapter 6, it says: “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body.” Cast aside your confusion and seek solace in its hidden meaning, basically the translation is we need to stick together or we sink together.
7. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s house in Lutyens Delhi, nor his official car, or his designation. There is only one house, 24 Akbar Road. In other words, resist the devil’s temptation to sing a different tune and join the enemy camp in search of rewards, as did Rao Inderjit Singh.
8. Thou salt do some serious self-examination and self searching, so as not to invite the government’s ire, and ensure that in the case of Mr Vadra, there is no searching or screening.
9. Thou shalt make a request to me to guide the party, and I shall, in turn, thank you continued…
Amitabh Bachchan, Dhanush, Akshara Haasan take 'Shamitabh' to London