Let’s talk about sex, baby: How and why you need to talk about sex with your partner

Communication plays a very important role in intimacy and is the key to cross the bridge before getting intimate.

Written by TV Balaji | Bengaluru | Updated: February 4, 2016 8:46 pm
Cheerful couple awaking and looking at each other Talking about sex can be a tricky business and most adults find it awkward, but it’s worth it. (Source: Thinkstock Images)

During a recent conversation with a friend, she shared her experience where everything was going well with the person she was dating until he said, “Baby, I want to do the sex”. My friend said she really liked the person and even looked forward to getting intimate till the very moment he said he wanted to “do the sex”.

Communication plays a very important role in intimacy and is the key to cross the bridge before getting intimate. So, let’s talk about sex.

Usually you can sense that you are sexually attracted to someone. There would have been some signals in the way of flirting, subtle touches, blushes or references to sex in a couple of conversations. But crossing the bridge from hinting about sex to having sex is a journey on its own. After beating around the bush for a bit, it’s best to have some conversations first to confirm that you have been reading the signals right and then getting to know your partner a bit intimately. There’s nothing like doing it right, it’s a constant learning process so its always good to have the conversation going.

Talking about sex can be a tricky business and most adults find it awkward, but it’s worth it. Being open and honest about what you both want will bring you both closer. Rather than being too forward or awkward, talking about intimacy in a playful, casual manner is always a better option. It takes off the pressure but at the same time prevents beating around the bush too much, which can end up confusing the other person — and you definitely don’t want that.

If you want to convey what you would like then make sure your partner knows about it in a “It’s so hot for me when you would…” or “I really like it when you do…” conversation. Make sure you know about your partner’s sexual desires. You can always enquire in a playful manner. Mind you, not only is it important to know your partner’s sexual preferences and desires, but is also the secret to good sex. Tip: Listeners are always hot.

Talking about using protection
This is usually not a comfortable conversation to have, but it is one of the most important. Safe sex is always advised when you don’t know your partner for a long time, plus is the best option for unplanned pregnancy. Safe sex conversations can be done in a fun way like: “I am curious to try out the chocolate flavoured condom. How about you?” Also, if you want to make sure your partner is safe there’s nothing wrong in having the “It would be cool if we both do tests for STI’s before going to the next level” conversation.

Talking limits
If you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey, you know that every sex play scenario has a stop word. It may be possible that one person is more adventurous, so it’s always good to set a few ground rules before things get too far. Even if you’re new to sex and there was some part of the act that you didn’t like; or did your partner just share a fantasy that intimidates you, make sure to voice your concerns.

It’s quite normal that you don’t like something your partner likes and vice versa, and it can be a bit tricky to bring it up, fearing that talking about it might rock the boat or upset your lover. But if you don’t, then you face the risk of not enjoying sex completely any more or even end up having mental blocks. Conversations about a “no-no zone” can be started in a positive way like: “I liked doing this a lot but not that. Can we talk about it?” Or “There are so many things I would like us to try but I am really uncomfortable about this…”.

Talking dirty
Talking about sex during sex is good for sex. It can be a big turn on for both of you before and during the play. Everyone has different preferences, so explore a bit on what your partner likes before shooting phrases that you picked up from the last porn movie you watched. You can be nice while talking dirty. The talk can range from sweet nothings to screaming what you liked the best. It takes a bit of a practise but learn from your partner’s reactions and keep working on your sexual phrasing. Don’t forget to know or set the boundaries though, after all it’s not worth it if it’s not fun.

Several research reports say that a couple’s comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to sexual satisfaction. So now, go get your tongue working!

Balaji TV is co-founder of www.lovetreats.in. Let's Talk is a fortnightly column focusing on sexual wellness and couple intimacy.