Bollywood does not need critics; it has Raj Thackeray. What can these learned men and women with their paltry star system offer? All they can do is talk about performances, scripts and camera angles. Pah, like anyone cares!
Submit the same film to the MNS chief and he can give you a certificate of patriotism. Of course, there are caveats involved. But then, which great enterprise does not? For instance, if Raj does not like what he sees — especially if that involves the capital P — multiplexes and their expensive glass are at risk. People also get that great disease in face of his bans — crawling when they are asked to bow — but you can justify that by asking yourself, what is the price of patriotism?
But hey, when Raj Thackeray raises a problem, he also gives a solution. As Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and its threat to the Great Indian Pride proves, the price is Rs 5 crore, a meeting with Mumbai chief minister and a photo op with the defence minister. If the film has a Bombay problem, it doesn’t even need Rs 5 crore prayshchit (penance). Apologise (that is the key every time), change it to Mumbai and you are good to go. Easy peasy, right?
And don’t speak in Hindi, it can get your entire family banned. Ask Jaya Bachchan.
A word of caution, though, apologise in person, ideally at the CM’s residence because video apologies submitted through the media doesn’t have that personal touch. Also, know your countries. Feel free to hire actors from Europe, America, Africa, hell even Antartica will do. Avoid Pakistani actors like the plague, choose not a Made in China and Bangladeshis if they were born before 1962. You are kosher with the rest. Or instead of hosting Koffee with Karan, you end up with a photo with Parrikar, and you are Rs 5 crore lighter.